Roasted Doind served with salt

Ladies and gentlemen, gather ‘round as I present the tragically hilarious tale of Doind the Dino Developer—a relic from a bygone era, kind of like a T-Rex trying to use a touch-screen phone. This guy must think that herbivorous dinosaurs are some sort of conspiracy created by the "Salad Lobby," because let’s be honest, Doind hates them more than a T-Rex hates short arms—that is, with an unrestrained passion.

Doind has embraced the notion that variety is the spice of life… and clearly, he's allergic to spice. His game development philosophy can be summarized as “Why have a buffet of dinosaurs when you can have a glorified T-Rex food truck?” Don’t be surprised when you log into his game—it's like opening a box labeled “Dinosaurs” only to find it stuffed with T-Rexes wearing matching sweatbands and arguing over who has the most badass roar. Congratulations, Doind! Just what the world needed—another game where one 40-foot animatronic version of a carnivore stomps around aimlessly while herbivores are banished to the digital ether like unwanted houseguests.

This guy has an unhealthy obsession with conformity that’s scarier than a raptor in a horror movie. Doind believes all players should be T-Rexes. Why? Because anything else would mean players are exercising creativity, and we can’t have that! I mean, what if a Stegosaurus got a little out of hand and decided to show off its spikes? That’s not in Doind’s rigid playbook! His idea of a good time is lining everyone up like the world’s worst version of a dinosaur-themed military parade where everyone drops their individuality at the door and stands in endless rows of sameness, ready to be commanded like a group of frightened stormtroopers who can’t tell their blasters from their bananas.

Speaking of stormtroopers, you’d think Doind was Lucas himself when it comes to fandom. He thinks “Star Wars” is the pinnacle of fiction. Isn’t it cute? Who else could view a galaxy where mystical forces and droids coexist as the absolute standard, while simultaneously ignoring the subtleties of nuance and storytelling like a clumsy dinosaur trying to get through a tight cave? Hey Doind, “Star Wars” isn’t a strategy guide for how *not* to appeal to diverse audiences! But then again, perhaps his idea of peak fiction revolves around squaring off against “multi-genre” experiences that he can’t even fathom. “Lookout, multi-dimensional characters! Doind is ready to put you in a sharply labeled ‘inconvenient’ box. Enjoy being bland!”

Considering his temperament, it’s no surprise that harsh criticism is more than he can handle; it’s as if you just served him a five-alarm curry nacho platter! He’d throw up his hands in defeat, clutching his chest like a distressed T-Rex at the mere suggestion that his gaming choices might need a little seasoning or diversity. Who needs constructive feedback or fresh ideas when you can live in a safe little bubble? The only spice Doind enjoys is the lukewarm kind found in a boxed dinner labeled “Some Assembly Required.” And don’t even think about challenging his culinary palate; he can’t even handle the heat from a sprinkle of paprika without running for the nearest bowl of bland yogurt.

Lastly, let's discuss Doind’s “no hugs” policy. Anyone who dares to display a hint of affection is pretty much slated for exile from his digital kingdom. Who needs love, right? Love and affection are overrated when you can just play T-Rex together in the sterile wasteland of his game, sitting awkwardly three feet apart because heaven forbid your joy might somehow infect his clinically-controlled personal space.

So here’s to Doind! A dinosaur game developer whose idea of innovation is box labels and slaughtering creativity one missing herbivore at a time. It might not be wise to poke fun, but watching him attempt to wipe out variety makes for a spectacle worthy of 7 million cringe-worthy view counts. Keep on being you, Doind! The digital world needs someone to throw rocks at—just don’t get too spicy while you’re at it.

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anonymous Political October 27, 2024 at 2:18 pm 0 0