The men in my life are awful (not all men)

The man in my life, I now call my housemate. He calls me his partner.
I met him at work over 10 years ago now, I was a trainee and he was my trainer.
When we first met in an interview, he was fine. I thought he was a bit moody, but I started working in a different department to begin with, he used to walk through occasionally and make me giggle or smile by doing silly things. Then, I start working with him. After 2 weeks I absolutely hated him, he was awful. He had no problem raising his voice or talking down to people, specifically women/me. He had, and still has a god complex. I used to go home crying at least 2/3 times a week because of something he had said or done, he used to get 'the lads' to join in with stupid sexiest jokes and really enjoyed getting reactions out of me.
I spoke to family members briefly about it and they were suggesting I spoke to HR about the issues, but then made me question whether he was capable of me losing my job.. so I just tried to distance myself and ignore the stupidness, taking any mockery or p*sstake on the chin, but he was almost trying to pull me closer with it. A year or so passes, and things calm down. I'm not longer a 'newbie' so it's not fun for him anymore. Instead things turn completely the opposite, he becomes extremely friendly, kind and helpful. He knew I lived out of the city where we worked, and on days my train was delayed he would offer to drive me home (and hours drive) I didn't always accept, but he did always pretty much insist. If I said no, he would have a reason ready as to why I should say yes.
I honestly knew from the beginning that this person was one of a kind, not necessarily in a good or bad way. I also knew he had a partner of 11/12 years so I felt somewhat safe that he wasn't a creep.
Time passes and we actually become friends, he started inviting me out with him and his partner, he would always be offering help with anything, he encouraged me and helped me to learn to drive, he helped me find and collect my first car, he would be a really good friend.
Something I noticed from early meeting him and his partner, they didn't have the best relationship. She would do things that would really annoy him and vice versa, but the difference being he would be verbally abusive, threatening and used his mouth to belittle and crush her emotionally. This became worse and worse over the years of being friends, I became worried and I tried to help her through it, tried to be a friend to her, actually spoke to her about helping her move out and leave him. But nothing ever came of this, she just used me to rant about him whenever things were bad. It was awful though, I could see her light dimming and all she wanted was a way out but didn't know how.
Towards me, he couldn't have been nicer. Yes, there were times that he became to treat me in a similar way, but I stood my ground where possible and got apologies. Stupidly, one night, we were having a nice relaxing evening while she was out with her friends, and something happened between him and I. I remember being scared but also excited, I remember trying to say no, I remember not fully wanting it, and also thinking, if I reject him, could I lose my job? If I pull away will he hurt me or shout at me? Would he go back to being vile to me at work? Would he spread rumors about me? I knew it was wrong but I let it happen. I don't blame myself, I never reported it, but I hugely regret it. It wasn't sex, but it was something.
Months pass and we're still friends and his flirtation increases and he becomes sexual with me. In work, outside of work... I can't avoid it. I'm younger than him, and I'm vulnerable, and I'm now trapped. He has me where he wants me and I'm stuck. I was so very offish with him too try and deter him, I never ever expected it to come to this and I want out.
I try to be as neutral and non sexual as I can, I try to say no to meeting him, to socializing with him but he is messaging, calling, all the time, multiple times a day, I can't get away from him. Remembering it now, I am so embarrassed and scared for younger me.
At this point, my parents are worried because he's constantly on the phone to me, I'm crying so often, because he's threatening me and just being so shitty because of this that and the other. I would never tell my parents what happening, just "a misunderstanding". The stupidest things would set him off, if I used the wing word in a sentence, if I didn't answer quick enough, if I didn't answer the phone to him..
I used to have a friend, from school, she was my best friend. I'd meet her often but we were starting to have differences. I would speak to him about this, and he managed, over 1.5 years to get me to kick her out of my life. I haven't spoken to her since. I miss her so much, it wasn't worth it.
Over lockdown, things got so bad between him and his partner, they mutually agreed to leave.
My parents downsize their house andlve miles and miles away from where I work with no bedroom for me.
I cannot afford a house, I cannot afford rent... He offers me a room in his new house. I say no thank you, over and over, each time he asks. I try to figure anything else out, but... I have no choice now, I am almost homeless.
I help him move house and my parents move too.
3 years on I'm still here. He is still the same person, when he want to be. He is a monster if he's 'triggered' otherwise he's very kind. I hate him and I love him. I would leave at any moment if I had the opportunity. Things are so complicated and I have never, ever put this down in writing or ever told anyone. I want to leave, genuinely. I'd miss the good side of him, even though, each nice thing he does for me, gets held against me when I do something wrong. Honestly this is a mess, I'm a mess and I wish I could go back and change anything, to prevent any of this. Getting called a c*nt multiple times a day isn't so fun, calling him one back gets me yelled at. He has pinned me up the wall by my neck, gone to punch me, dragged me off the sofa by my ankles because I stood up for myself. What fucking life is?

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Annje Relationships October 27, 2024 at 11:23 am 0 0