Crying nonstop

I have had the worst mental health week ever and it’s only Tuesday. I’ve been crying nonstop everyday, I have no control of my emotions so I can’t stop, and I have no one to turn to because i don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable with people, not even my friends and family. they’re so judge mental and I really don’t think they care that much about my feelings. Anyway, I’ve been crying in my room nonstop about everything; I’m so lonely, I don’t think I’m on the right path at school, I already have missing assignments, I have a test at 9am that I haven’t studied for yet, it’s 1am and I can’t sleep because my mind keeps racing and I can’t stop crying, I’ve had an ongoing migraine, I want to have a good relationship with my mom and friends but they keep annoying me and it always goes bad because our relationships are built off of drama, toxicity and pettiness... i just want to let them go but I’m stuck with them. i don’t eat, I’m pretty sure I have some sort of sleeping disorder because I never have any energy and I absolutely hate being awake, I’m having trouble making new friends, I’m trying so hard to get my gpa up but assignments keep getting thrown at me and I keep getting overwhelmed and having panicked attacks. I didn’t want to work this semester so that I could focus on school, but school is already going kinda bad and now I have no money. If I have no money then how am I going to pay back my student loans.

Basically I have depression and anxiety and “ADHD tendencies” (that’s what my therapist said but it’s not diagnosed) and I’m trying to cope with them and I’m having a hard time. I can’t afford to be in a depressive episode right now because I’ve been working hard and trying to stay positive and focused but this is setting me back and I’m digging a hole for myself. I hate that I can’t just do things right and I make such bad decisions based off my mood and my energy levels. I hate that i keep this all to myself behind closed doors and act like everything is ok when I’m in front of people. I hate that I have to wait to talk about it with my therapist instead of being able to trust somebody and tell them how I feel without being embarrassed. I don’t ‘hate’ myself but I want to change because I have a lot of problems because of my past and how I was raised. I struggle with expressing my feelings (for a lot of reasons) so I come off nonchalant and uncaring to some people(even though I do care I literally just can’t express it correctly), I can be judgmental sometimes, but I was taught to do that because my parents judged others for fun so I grew up thinking it was funny but now i see that that’s a bad trait,..... ok I’m finally starting to feel tired and Idk how to end this rant so I’ll just leave it here.

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anonymous Other February 08, 2022 at 2:47 am 0 0