I saw something very horrific. It keeps replaying in my mind. I am pretty much bullet-proof, but I have a memory that breaks me. I can't make sense of it. I've sat down and replayed it in my head
I hate the circumstances. I feel completely at fault. It will pass in time but I don't know if it should. I don't know what anyone is supposed to do in any situation...
We all react how we do given the state we are in. If we reacted differently we wouldn't be ourselves. I could never hate myself without loving myself. Life holds the knives, but we're the ones who let them fall.
I was neglectful. I was cruel at times. I didn't know what to do and was so lost.. The past can't be made right so what are we supposed to do with it?!? Maybe I'll get a tattoo.
Survivor's guilt is there because everyone is culpable. People so often blame the ones that fall to the weight of the world; I think it is to appease their own guilt. I wish I could go back and fix things, but I would still be me in that situation...
I suppose all memory fades. Sad as it is, life goes on and we all forget everything. Things meant something at one point but most people just don't deserve the ones who love them. I don't take from people, so naturally I am reluctant to give. I am not without compassion, mine isn't the cruelest of hearts. I'm not selfish; having had so much taken from me by the selfish has hardened me though. I don't know.
fuck. maybe i'll brand myself. Fuck tattoos, ill make a brand. I'll make a few. Yeah, how better to honor the fallen than with scars. Ink needles are for dainty little pansies, I have too much iron in the blood for that shit.
HonestOther January 01, 2019 at 10:22 pm