A lot of the time I find myself thinking "Why am I even here? How am I friends with these people? My parents are always saying how much they love me and how proud and happy I make them but is it true? I hate the fact that most of the time I am so negative that it rubs off onto my manners ad respect towards my parents. I seem like a good child and respectful but I feel like i am just putting on a show yet it is true at times. I noticed that I am only really positive when I've been outside or have done something active including sports or anything athletic. Which I think is not good because if i am trying to be positive all the time, I can't always go outside or do something. I recently got in a lot of arguments with my mom about her trying to talk to me on a personal level and messing around. I keep trying to avoid her with things like that because I know that my temper and mind isn't in the right place. I don't know if it's because I've been sick this week or if its because I've been sick this whole week and she didn't let me stay home at all (which i never stay home or skip class/school in general at anytime unless its for my eyes or dentist). I love her. I love her and my dad so very much but i feel like I've been having a hard time trying to express it. And i hate it. I probably shouldn't use the word hate because that's exactly why my mom and i got in a argument today. Or at least I got in trouble. We were visiting my grandmother and my mom was messing around and playing tag with me in just a playful manner and i got all serious with her about it and i ending up saying that i hated her. Which then led me to getting my devices taken away and a lecture about using the word hate, especially towards my parents and how i could even think about doing it. I forgot that i got ALL my devices taken away and not just my phone so later on i got on my laptop and started playing a game. My mom walking a few minutes later and gave me a lecture on how she doesn't want me to hug on her and stuff anymore. She said that the next time i say anything i shouldn't be saying comes out of my mouth she is going to hurt me. Which by hurt me she doesn't actually mean hurting me. She means giving me a beating (not abusively.) or pinching me. But i also don't really know because i haven't gotten in trouble in about 6 maybe 7 years. And i know that when my brother did something my age, she locked him out and he had to wait till our dad got home to get back in the house which took a literal life time-. I know that even since this year i believe (school year) I have been very distant to my parents and have been saying stuff like "oh i can't wait to move out so i don't have to hear you all the time" "can't wait till i can move out in a few years". I find this very bad for me to say but i say it really just in the moment of anger and/or annoyance. I tend to get irritated easily. Especially since my mom loves picking at me and my dad. In a playful way of course but I just tend to take things way to seriously which I know i do. I have always been like that i think. Or at least ever since i turned 13, maybe 14. But this year its really bad. This is the most i have ever talked back. But a lot of the stuff i say is because i am stating my opinion on things which just tend to be talking back in adult eyes i suppose which is stupid by the way. How is having an opinion talking back-?? It is just stating what i believe. And don't get me started on when what i am saying is a fact. I love my parents so much. When i think or pray, i always think of my parents and how thankful i am versus how thankful i should be. Not everyone is as thankful as i am. I should embrace that more. I wish they just understood how i feel. It is hard for me to explain and express how i feel to them because they will either think I'm crazy or just say its a teenage thing. Which i mostly agree that it is a teenage thing. But other times i think I'm insane. Maybe i need to be more direct about the topic. When i see the way i am or i listen to how my parents give me lectures about my behavior i think "I'm never going to be with someone because no one is gonna want a smartass, hot headed fool." or things like "no guy wants a girl who is so different from what the stereotypical girl is" "i don't wear make up, dresses, heels. I just like doing rough things like kickboxing, skating, games and weird stuff. People just think i am either asexual or lesbian or anything that i am not." At this point i am lost as of what my future will look like when it comes to my love life. I probably won't have one. Okay, i think i should probably stop here. I think this is longer than my argumentative essay i had last week-. Anyway, i just needed to get a few things off my chest and mind. I usually tell my mom about things like this but as i said, too many arguments recently-. Anyway, good night, its 2:12 am.
anonymousRelationships February 11, 2024 at 3:14 am21