Food Noise and dieting

I really want a GLP-1 medication to lose weight. I regained 26 of the 31 lbs that I lost in early 2024. I was 13 lbs away from a normal BMI and then my partner began ramping up abusing me. The stress from abuse increases ghrelin. There is no funding from private donors or the government so I can temporarily live in a shelter or half way house to get my life on track and feel safe. So my mind and body are tricked and I unknowingly over consume. I’m seeking calmness and comfort. I’d rather have a GLP-1 or Crystal Meth but I’ve been isolated from the world and wouldn’t know where to go to score it. I don’t feel like I’m over stuffed, the food consumption feels natural. I’ve given up on life. I’m at elevated risk to catch Breast Cancer again because my weight is in the obese range. He’s sabotaged and prevented me from working. He calls me “pretty” but I am not. I’m built like a blob. My BMI currently is 32. My abuser intimidates me for most or all of my disability check. I was so close to being normal. All I wanted after weight maintenance was to get a job and get my eyelids done because I have ptosis from chemo I had a few years ago. I’ve gone to the police, Aging and Disability, 3 mental health professionals, a medical doctor and called various local shelters and DV hotlines. I hate being fat. I hate the abuse because the food noise doesn’t stop on command. I’ve been on a diet for 5 days and lost 2 lbs, but I’m so nauseous from not coddling the food noise. I’ve been filling up a lot on unsweetened tea and coffee. It doesn’t always help. I try my best to keep my self in a calorie deficit. I hate being an ugly outcast. Every time I would try to be social in the past people would stare at me like I was a freak, ignore me or make fun of my weight. I want to wear a size 4 again. I trashed my body on anti-depressants in the past because I was coerced into taking them by my abuser. I’ve been clean from anti-depressants since 2023. But I fell into the rabbit hole of gluttony again. I will be super honest with anyone reading this I look like I eat 3,000-4,000 kcal a day. But on my high grehlin days I would eat 2,000-2,400. Yes, I exercise. I wish I could run or play basketball because those are perfect exercises for torching fat, but I contracted a medical condition after cancer that makes running hard on my body because my lymphatic system isn’t working properly. I wish I could get my BMI down to 24 to start run So I can maintain a normal weight. Try running with a back pack and ankle weights-that’s what it feels like. I want to just have a normal life with a full time job, exercise and friends. I am sick of food noise. It feels like hell. I have to keep telling myself not to be foods bitch. With my metabolism I’m supposed to be consuming 1,800-2,100 with at least moderate physical activity otherwise if I’m sedentary my maintenance calories are 1,400-1,650 and those are children calories. The gnawing inside me is evil. I hate being foods bitch. I hate this guy I’m with. I’ve been trying to leave since early December. I have no family because my parents are deceased. Please pray for me. I don’t care if it’s to Jesus, Allah, Krishna, Ahura Mazda or any other deity. I hate my life. I’m scared.

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Olivia Body July 17, 2025 at 8:02 pm 1 0