twin flame.

ok, i just want to get this off my chest because im a human going through this. if you were me you would understand but i can only put it into words which is really hard to do when you’re not much of a logical rational person like me. anyway. when i find someone attractive, it’s because they have this beautiful energy that i like i guess. like this guy in class, my first impression of him was of course being physically attracted. like he is so my type. he is beautiful to me. he’s a tall white guy with brown hair, brown eyes, & a cute mustache. i hadn’t even seen his face fully when i knew there was something about him that i liked. he had covered his water bottle in awesome stickers i was fascinated and amused by, he had cute vintage looking clothes, he made funny jokes, had a beautiful hot tattoo on his arm. i guess how could you not like him as a girl? i don’t know, from my experience he is exactly my type but i just chalked it off as him just being an undeniably hot guy. so that’s what it was at first. a mild attraction that i could brush off and leave behind when i left class. until one day i talked to him, i told him his car was cool lol. im a typically shy person, i have come out of my shell after years of healing and i feel like im ready to face anything that challenges what i want to say and do to make my life the best possible life i can live. which is why i started school this semester, why wait for the fall when i can just dive into what im passionate about in the most beautiful season. so everyone has already been through fall & spring semesters and they’re all so smart. i just feel like an oddball, especially because i am just a weird person i think. but that was the only time we have talked. the next day in class, i looked into his eyes, i saw the sunlight pouring on him, his eyes were so beautiful. they were indescribable, he just looked so perfect and i could have cried tbh. my small crush was nothing before i looked into his eyes. i don’t know why it changed everything. i felt so intense about him. those days last week, my body was so sensitive, i kept imagining being with him and sharing laughs and having sex with him. i felt crazy. i have felt this way before with crushes when i was younger but it sparked something in me i hadn’t felt in years. i really wanted to talk to him more, i wanted to connect and at least become friends with him because to me it’s so obvious he could make me laugh and all i want in life is to have fun and be free. i had a friend who shared my energy when i worked at a job two years ago. i still miss him from time to time because it’s hard for me to connect with anyone. i just crave this deep emotional intimacy that feels like it’s missing from my life. for someone to care about this beautiful ocean i have within me. i ran away from him when i felt like that, i had to get away because i have a boyfriend. i feel terribly about it. i told everyone in class i had a boyfriend. in the beginning of dating him i felt the same way, like the universe was meant to bring us together. but now i am older and more myself, i have healed a lot, i am a different person. i weigh a lot less, i know who i am spiritually, i know the way i want to be treated. in my relationship, i feel disconnected from my boyfriend. i feel like he doesn’t value my beautiful emotions. he doesn’t care about my dreams and spirit, he doesn’t feel me deeply. i don’t know how else to describe this feeling of needing him to be there for me emotionally and he doesn’t understand how to. he’s a perfect 10/10 to me too. he’s funny, amazing, sweet , it’s just that this emotional connection isn’t there. the need for him to see my soul is what i was craving. and maybe still what i see reflected in this guy in class. a lot happened already. i started fasting, it’s been 3 or 4 days and i haven’t eaten, ive been biking a lot, smoking & getting high to try to get away from these feelings that are so irrational it makes me feel like a fool. the other night i was biking when a huge thunderstorm came down on me. i was soaked from head to toe, it was amazing. i was out in the rain, feeling enamored by nature. i passed by a cemetery, i saw beautiful plant life, i saw the wind blowing and i experienced what ive been learning about in class. i felt so amazing and indescribably awake. i felt erotic and sensual. i felt beautiful. the next day on monday, i didn’t talk to him, we had a big test and he left quickly. then in the second class he waved at me, my teacher said i looked different without my glasses & i said id take that as a compliment, my classmate said it was different in a good way & he agreed. he was making funny jokes i wanted to laugh at but i was sitting right behind him and his friend and i just felt like my attraction for him is too obvious and i need to not pay attention to him so obviously. it was just a stupid mix of ego and soul craving that was battling within me. yesterday, i saw him smile, he seems so chill while im trying to pick up the pieces within me. i know we are likely in the universe where he doesn’t think about me at all and these feelings are just me, my beautiful soul trying to externalize myself onto this beautiful guy. his voice was filtered to the front of my mind when he spoke. i wish he could be close to me. i wished he could talk to me. but i just passed by him. he left quickly yesterday too. then in the second class he didn’t show up. i guess i paid more attention in class even though i wished he was there. nobody knew where he was. it feels so mysterious and like i keep thinking we share the same feelings but i don’t know him at all even though i feel myself mirrored in him. i think i learned that this love i feel can only be expressed through me. i have to heal whatever thinks that i need a masculine to show this deep passion and love to me. i have to let go of the idea that a beautiful man could understand me. it’s a little sad , but i think im healing. i want to just let go and transmute the pain, to hear the beautiful love songs about passion and soul connection and cry it out, and move on. i deserve a fun happy life regardless if a man sees my internal sweetness.

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emmy Crushes June 18, 2025 at 1:27 pm 0 1