Sometimes problems feel like death penalties

I have been doing some introspection recently.
My mental health has been declining (I started taking meds again, but maybe they're taking their sweet ass time) and this has caused everything to go to shit.
I stopped going to classes, I'm behind on work, I have no food in my house, my cat is sick, and mostly.. I just feel down. Like I can't motivate myself to do anything. Definitely depression.
I tried to work all day today, and that led to a few breakdowns. One was unrelated to work (related to devastating fear of parents aging), one was about excel not working (as per fucking usual), and a few about not understanding the work.

It's interesting because my current state of mind has no patience/empathy for me. I don't understand something and instantly I'm frustrated. This quickly leads to rage and tears. Then I feel stupid and uselessness and I want to self harm. I'm not going to, but the urge is there. Like I want to punish myself for being stupid. It's just fascinating that my mind would rather go to physical pain then endure what it thinks is worse (mental pain)

I tried explaining this to my bf and he didn't really understand. If I could hurt myself to learn certain things, I would. If I could lose blood and gain chemistry knowledge, I fucking would. And so many people would never make that choice (which makes sense). But I truly think if I could punch myself in the face or cut my legs and gain knowledge I would (for certain things, I can learn art or music the old fashioned way). What does that mean for me?? Has anyone else thought the same thing or am I toasted?

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No, I'll pass Home January 27, 2025 at 5:42 pm 2 0