Tell me that you do not know what you are talking about without expressly telling me that you do not know what you are talking about. You are neither idealistic or old fashioned. You are daft, ill-informed and apparently easily triggered.

---

Robert 1 year ago

Well. You're an asshole and you've done absolutely nothing to educate me properly. So I guess that makes two of us. But at least I'm not an asshole. Try again.

---

anonymous 1 year ago

I apologize in advance for this long comment, but I really think it's necessary to dissect this post to make sure I have all the answers behind OP's reasoning.

I want to preface that in polyamorous relationships, all parties are aware of one another and their relationships, and in healthy relationships, they respect and care for one another. Even if not everyone is dating one another in the relationship, they're still kind to every party.

"If you're polyamorous, you have been taken in by the instant gratification monster. You are most likely a selfish commitment-phobe. You likely want to have zero accountability to your partner or partners."
Actually, polyamory means even more commitment and accountability, since you have multiple people to love, make time for, and communicate properly with.

"If you cannot even do ONE relationship properly, how can you expect to do SEVERAL."
That I can actually agree with. However, if you're certain that you can properly care for multiple partners at once — if you're ABSOLUTELY sure — then I say go for it! Same goes for monoamorous people, too.

"I realize people are also hurt all the time in monogamous relationships, but in polyamorous ones it seems to get even more toxic. There is always the favored or main partner."
Can you please tell me where you found the "always" statistic? Also, if someone clearly favours one partner over the other(s) (e.g. spends time with one partner over others, even when the others crave it; puts one partner's needs over others all the time), that's on the individual, not polyamory.

"How must it feel to be the second choice or side piece?"
Absolutely horrible, but again, if your partner makes you feel set aside (for a lack of a better word), that's on your partner, not their polyamory.

"I feel like with poly, no one gets enough intimacy. No one has the undivided attention that provides the basis for what a romantic relationship is meant to be."
Again, what evidence do you have for this? How do you know that ALL polyamorous relationships are unfair; NO polyamorous relationships include healthy romance? That sounds extreme to me, and I really hope you have at least ONE credible source to back you up.

"What if you've had a really bad day and you're in a poly relationship and your partner is off the radar somewhere with a side piece?"
What if you've had a really bad day and you're in a mono relationship and your partner is somewhere with a friend? You'd call or text them to see if they're available first. If not, wait until they get back so you can talk to them. The same goes for your scenario. Or you can do what you suggested below:

"Then I suppose you have to call a friend or someone else in your support network. But I would instinctively want to be with my partner. My special person."
That's understandable. However, again, even in monoamorous relationships, your partner won't always be available. But you're definitely more than welcome to talk when they are. That should be the expectation in both monoamorous and polyamorous relationships.

"I don't want my special person sleeping with someone else. It lessens our sacred bond. It diminishes our love. It takes away from me something that I should have had and gives it to another."
So date another monoamorous person. Also, not everyone feels the same as you do. For example, if my hypothetical partner wanted to sleep with someone else, I wouldn't mind.

"How can I put my faith into a person whom I do not satisfy completely? Maybe no one can do that. But I suppose then that the problem is with the other person and not myself."
Again, date another monoamorous person. Also, if you knowingly date a polyamorous person and expect them to give you all their attention instead of breaking up with them so you'd both be happy (as hard as I know it'd be in the moment), then with all due respect, you would be the problem.

"Love is sacred. I don't want to cheapen it or diminish it by adding more players to the game. Nor do I feel I should have to compete for the attention of my own lover."
Yes, love is sacred. But polyamory isn't a game. Partners aren't players. There shouldn't be a competition. Polyamory should be mutual love. Even if someone's partners aren't dating one another, too, there should be respect, at the very least.

"It shocks and dismays me that there are people who can do this... You folks are part of the problem. Now gen Z thinks it's fine to sleep around as casually as one would shake hands. It's nasty.
It doesn't dismay ME. If anything, it's proving how committed, loving, honest, and trusting people can be. By the way, polyamory isn't just sleeping with multiple people. It's caring for one another, listening to one another, and loving one another — hence the term, "polyAMORY."

"How can I feel like I have a true connection with someone if it is not enough to satisfy the most important person in my life besides myself completely? I suppose some may call me idealistic or old fashioned. But I demand to be loved exclusively."
For the third time, you can date another monoamorous person. You can be loved exclusively. I don't know why others' relationships make you fear for yours. And just in case I need to say this, even if you did have a monoamorous partner, chances are you won't be loved exclusively. Romantically, you would (hopefully) be, but your partner most likely had friends and family they love, too.

Monoamorous or polyamorous, we all have other loved ones in our lives. We all deserve the same respect as you. Please give it to us.

---

Anonymous 10 months ago