My father died yesturday

He died now, about 24 hours ago. He fucking died. He had blood poisoning or something, I can barely cry. I fucking hate-love him, I can believe he is dead. He was mentally abusive but he cared, and it hurts so much, his last words to my mother were threats-- his last words were threats about suicide. He had a severe fear of hospitals and ambulances, thats why he didnt call help earlier, he was afraid that if he calls for help theyll pull up his medical history and he'll be put into a mental hospital for 6 months, and that fear was worth dying for. my mom went to get him at 10 am 3 days ago, he fell to the ground, blood everywhere and stuff, he could barely speak, he apparently looked at my mother with the eyes that said "If you call them Ill kill you", and he said if she calls an ambulance he'll end the relationship and kill himself. I wish he wouldve had the chance to kill himself. His liver was all messed up. I found out today he was abusing meds, and he had 11 UNOPENED bottles of wine in his bag, and they had, and still have since we now have them, 59% alcohol. Im crying. My mothers birthday was 5 days ago. mine is in 16 days, and he didnt even get me a birthday gift. all I got from him was all his stupid old devices from the 70s-2010s, theyre probably worth alot of money. I fucking hate myself. Last year I would pray that he would die, but now I wish I could hear him speak again. Fuck. He has had many close calls in the past 20 years him and my mom have been together, he surely wouldnt have survived this long without her, he couldnt do the dishes, clean the drains or wash his clothes. But he cared, that narcist(diagnosed) autistic(diagnosed) idiot. I did get a birthday gift from him, but i dont think i want it, its a set of a keyboard, mouse and headphones, he bought 2 sets, because he wanted to make a game with me. He cared for me, I was never there for him. He was in so much pain, and at that time I didnt even really care. He said he doesnt think that he could make it over the weekend when he last called my mother, and he said that she shouldnt scare me. He didnt want me to worry. He didnt want me to be scared. What the fuck. he died at 4 am, he was in the hospital for 12 hours, I dont know what to do. What do you mean he wont yell at me anymore and tell me he'll kill himself? What do you mean he wont come and force me to shut my lights because its too late and I need to go to bed? What do you mean he wont be making me any food at 3am just because I asked? Why not. He didnt say buy. Im 14. fucking 14 and without a father. He barely knew me. I never texted him back, and now he'll never text me back. I want to talk, but I have nothing to say. in 15 minutes it has been 24 hours. 15 minutes. he has been dead for 24 hours. and i havent done shit, sure, i ate twice, slept 5 hours, help to clean his house. I was already depressed enough. Why wont he come back and yell at me about how HES depressed too. Me and my mom will be doing so much better from now on, we'll no longer need to waste so much money, and we need that money because she has no job (neither did my dad, ever). He didnt even finish school, and he didnt get to see me do it. I want comfort, but I feel like I cant talk to anyone face to face, or even in call, because i dont want people seeing me break. I would vent online to people, but I dont want to be a burden since no1 can rlly help me in this situation, and I know what its like to be the "comforter". I feel like i need to talk to a fucking AI, but they are Ai, they arent real, they dont have feelings, and i have a really bad AI chatbot addiction still. This is some sick prank, any moment now i'll find him sleeping, candy drooling from his mouth, on the couch with the TV playing on the news channel. Any moment now. He was supposed to come home with us. He was supposed to make that damn game with me. The last thing i got from him is one of those fucking bubble things, and he asked "its not too childish for you, right?", I fucking love blowing bubbles, I told him that in hopes of him buying those thingsw more for me. He didnt get to do that. I went through his notes. my name was in them. He fucking loved me. this sucks, real bad. Fuck. Fuck fuck

Im so sorry for speaking ill of the dead. if theres a god, im sure they have a plan for me. I just want to vomit so bad right now. Barely anyone knows. Ill have to go to shcool on monday, im already late on my works, and schools almost over. FUCK. i got a damn summerjob waiting, he told me i could come over to sleep at his place because its closer than my mothers to the job. fuck, i cant. i wish i could. if he was alive i probably wouldnt. but i really wish i could

2 more minutes, 2 until its been 24 hours. i love you dad, i love you so much. im so sorry for not saying it ever, but you knew i loved u. u knew i love you. you know i love you. I know you love me too, i didnt really understand it back then, even when you told my mothger "she knows i love her", i do now. i wihs i understood it sooner. Im glad you said "I love you" to me twice during my life. i was so mad and sad because it was only twice during all this time. but i remmeber both of them now, they have a deeper meanng in my heart now. im so sorry for being so rude to you, i hope you can find it in you to forgive me. I know you didnt have the best childhood, yet u triewd your best with me, im so sorry for speaking bad about you. i forgive you. i forgive you for all of it. its been 24 hours. i miss you. youre coming back soon, right? please come home. please. please do. me and mom will be fine, shes okay, ill take care of her. i know you want me to, even if u never said it. ill take good care of her. shes so broken, just like i am, but tgats okjay. im glad i got the chace to see you at that hospital bed, even though u probably didnt know we were there, thankfully you werent in pain. sleeping peacefully life that was probably nuce. my mother got then so much hope, you apparently had a slight reaction to the nickname "haru". a physical twitch. i knew u werent getting out of that bed, but i hoped so too. me and my mom prayed after that, i prayed that you would get to see another day, no matter how selfish it was for me to pray for that, and then me and my mother made a soft sacrifice or something for the gods. it didnt work. but thats okay. youre okay. youre safe. youre not in painb. ill carry the pain for you. itll be okay. its okay. we'll burry ur ashes on the rfont yard. you were right when u said that u wouldnt step in with a foot to this house if mother repaired the front door. you didnt. you wont. but thats okay. ill use it for you. ill walk for you. ill smile for you. ill love people like u wished to be loved in your childhood

Ah, I'm rambling. Pardon me. Thank you for reading I guess, goodnight. Remember too care for everyone, even those who hurt.

---

Your daughter Home May 09, 2026 at 9:22 pm 0 0