living is such a hassle

i hate living sometimes bc everything is so tiresome and stressful. school, jobs, family, relationships. im a uni student and changed my stem major to a comm major and now that im not doing any stem classes or “hard” stuff my parents think im doing smth easy. why does it matter? idc if i make 200k or 60k tbh. i don’t plan on making a family or supporting anyone besides myself. but now im the disappointment bc im “smart” and should just apply myself. but it’s literally pointless. why would i stress out and tear my hair out over a stem major if im gonna die one day? ive reached the point where doing basic chores and taking care of myself just feels pointless. i wake up wondering why ive woken up at all. the only reason i think ive made it this far is bc of my friends. i wish i could find the meaning in life for them, that i could be a better friend.
i’ve been confessed to 3 times in the past 2 years, and i couldn’t return any of their feelings, even tho they were all great ppl who would make perfect partners. but i just don’t find myself attracted to anyone, and it scares and relieves me. i don’t wanna date anyone bc id never live up to their expectations of me. i can barely find the energy to take care of myself, much less dedicate myself to someone. loving is easy, but living is not.
my parents have put me on this pedestal of the “smart bright child” and expect me to shape myself into their cookie cutter concept of perfection simply bc im slightly above average brains (spoiler alert: im not, i just had to be). so when they find out, will i mourn what i became, or what i didnt? i dont know how to tell them their child only lives bc everyone around them expects them to. if no one was around me, who would tell me to live?

long rant over. goodnight to whoever reads this.

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anonymous Other November 19, 2025 at 8:40 pm 0 0