I'm doomed to an outburst

Ha, school couldn't have been shittier today. Switching moods as fast as sleep comes to me at the end of the day, when my head touches my pillow, the fatigue catches up. I felt like a ticking time bomb the whole time, making me feel insane as I could be when the day is against me, since the moment I woke up.
Dissolving from a panicked mood to murderous within seconds simply because of a push from a classmate, a former friend. He did nothing wrong; he was just trying to get by when there was little space for two people and nowhere else to pass through. Isn't it my fault for taking a moment to try and pass through just because of the awkwardness I felt?
I get back to my seat, breath now heavy and hands ready to tear the skin on my body. Why did it frustrate me? I don't know, and that alone only angered me even more. I made progress since last grade year, but when it comes to moments like this, when I am irrational, somehow all that experience is thrown out the window. Through science and the labs we preformed, I was writing my frustrations every minute I got, but even as my handwriting worsened than the shit it already was, nothing was better. The need to hurt still raged, and that only fucked me up further. I have no outlet; I can't do sh, my parents would disown me and say the devil possessed me, kill me, even. I don't have any sports I can be aggressive in, and I still have two months until school ends so I can sign up for boxing. Writing doesn't fulfill me in any sort of way, but not writing makes me feel even worse.
Just the way my grandma puts more force into twisting the doorknob sets something inside me to tick. Ma leaving me small tasks to do and acting passive-aggressive when I forget them, again. Dad telling me not to get angry and trying to show more of his position as the dad, even as I'm trying with every fiber of my being to not show the urge to cuss everyone out. I shouldn't be getting angry at such little things, it's small in comparison to everything else anyway, so why does it matter?
I figured that with no outlet and no one to "truly" talk to, I'm doomed to an outburst. I may hurt someone, hurt myself- though unlikely with my ground level pain tolerance, or just go batshit insane.

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anonymous Other April 29, 2025 at 10:29 pm 0 0