I'm done

i'm 16. i've barely lived and i've already come to the realization that living is just so genuinely difficult. I feel deeply for someone who tells me they want to die. they shouldn't feel that way. they deserve to live. yet, I can't think the same about myself. I feel very self aware. I know I have people who love me and people who would hate to see me go. I want to listen to the logic that tells me to stay, but truly, I'm tired of ignoring the feelings that tell me to go. I'm angry and sad. I usually seem pissed, but that's because I don't want to cry. I don't want to be annoying. "it's not annoying" they reassure, but I know they'd rather not have to deal with this. but then when I'm angry, I want nothing to do with anyone and I may misdirect my anger. I seriously hate putting this shit on someone else. I'm alive because I have to be. I try to remind myself that my mom would blame herself. my dad would blame my mom. I'm the youngest of three siblings. my brother would close himself in. my sister would cry. my eldest sister would be pissed. my friends would wonder how they didn't notice or why I didn't say anything. my cats will wander the house looking for me, searching and crying when they can't find me. I wouldn't be able to draw or play piano. my biggest reason for staying might actually be my mom, but she might also be my biggest reason for going. I burden her. I'm a mess. I don't like touching people. I'm sorry mom. I know you love hugs. I'm sorry I don't give them. I'm sorry I didn't say "I love you" tonight. I was too afraid that if I spoke, I would cry. I know I looked angry. I wasn't angry. I was frustrated with myself. I just want to die. sometimes I zone out which means i'm probably daydreaming of death. I feel something in my throat. it's a type of pain. it tells me that I'm feeling so shitty that it's hurting physically. I kinda like that pain. it gets addicting. it's comforting. Mom was leaving the kitchen, I told her to wait. she turned around, rolled her eyes. "yes?" she clearly didn't want to talk. I said "nevermind" because I don't want to talk with her when she's irritated. she shook her head, "can you just say it?" I told her it was alright and left. I know I wasted her time right there. what in the hell was I supposed to do? then she wants to tell me that I can always talk with her. she tells me she tried and it's on me. I don't know. a part of me tells me I misunderstood and I'm being too sensitive. another part tells me that it's her. maybe I'm the dickhead. I cant tell. I hate taking anything in general. yet, I've taken so much. I owe a lot. I hate these regrets. they pile on by the day. I want to end it some time soon. Im just so tired. sorry about all of this writing.

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n Other August 17, 2024 at 11:53 pm 0 0