I hate my girlfriend

I want to breakup with my girlfriend

My girlfriend is so exhausting and I feel like an awful person for saying this but I’m just so tired of her and being with her. My girlfriend is severely mentally ill and unmedicated and going without treatment. About three weeks ago she overdosed and was sent to a psychiatric ward, these past three weeks since she’s been gone have the been the best three weeks of my life since she’s moved in with me.

I love my girlfriend, truly, but I have never felt so drained after spending time with someone before. I’m a very private person and I don’t like other people, and I’ve been sacrificing my needs for her wants and it’s just taken so much out of me that I didn’t even have the energy to realize she was the one making miserable the entire time. I just thought I was in a slump because I also have mental illnesses and I just figured I was in another depressive episode and that my medication needed adjusted again but god I was so wrong. She’s so high maintenance and I have to walk on eggshells around her 24/7. I say I want alone time, she comes back into my bedroom 3 hours later with her legs all cut up. I say I want to go shopping by myself, she ignores me and posts concerning things which cause me to come back home. If she feels like I haven’t been giving her enough attention, she’ll randomly go out without telling me and turn her location off. I don’t even want her location in the first place but when you’re talking about how you’re going to get hit by a car on your morning strolls, it’s a bit concerning. When you leave in the middle of the night without telling me and come back in the morning saying you were going to jump off and overpass, we start sharing locations. She says she wants to help me but anytime I try to communicate my needs it turns into an hour long session of me calming her down from a breakdown and just completely ruining the (maybe if I’m lucky) 30 minutes of alone time.

I love my house, I love my bedroom, I love the comfort and safety it brings me, I enjoy my privacy and being able to relax and let loose after a long day. I don’t really like my job, and I hate interacting with the public— at work and just in general. I’m an extremely introverted person and having a space to myself is very important to me because on top of that, I also have anger issues. I’ve gone to therapy and gotten it under control but I can get irritated and a bit insulting when I don’t get to spend at least an hour by myself everyday. I’m not a hermit or anything like that, I can go outside and be fine, I just don’t like people. My room has always been my safe space to spend that hour in. It’s a private space for me to express myself and let my emotions run free without any risk or damage. Since my girlfriend has moved in, it hasn’t been my space. I’ve never spent so much time outside of my house or been this desperate to get away ever. I typically work 30-35 hours a week, when she moved in I started working 40-50 hours a week just so I didn’t have to see her. I started working the graveyard shift so by the time I came home she would already be asleep and I could be alone. She’s taken over my room completely and I can’t remember the last time I’ve slept in my bed by myself.

Now look, I understand how all of this is sounding. I’ve sat and talked about it before and yes, it sounds like I’m just simply not cut out for a relationship and I get that and I have TRIED telling my girlfriend this. For a couple months after she moved in we were just a fwb situationship type deal but she would not shut up about titles and labels all of that. She told people I was her boyfriend, she scared all of my friends off, and was just very possessive and obsessive. Eventually, I got so sick and tired of every conversation being “what are we?”. I told her we were a fling, I told her we were fwb, and she never ever listened to me. So I just told her, let’s just say we’re dating and settle it that way. I had multiple lengthy conversations about the future and my plans and I told her that I didn’t see us lasting once I graduated. This is my last year and I’ve already got apartments lined up and better paying jobs just waiting for me to start. I told her I have no interest in living with her or sharing a space with her. Her reply was, “what kind of couple lives in different houses?” Exactly.

I miss when she was just my best friend, not whoever this is. Honestly, I never even wanted a fwb relationship with her because she creeps me out and is disgusting. Back in middle school, she would take pictures of me changing at sleepovers and tell people at school about the types of underwear I wore. She’s a creep and a perv and she always has been and in middle school I swore I would never ever let her anywhere near me physically because I honest to god thought she would assault me. Well, we got high about a week after she moved in and I was freshly broken up with from my past fwb (aka I got sober and was tired of drunk sex). My girlfriend was sitting next to me on the couch and when I get high, I get touchy. I like the weight and the warmth when I get high, so I held her hand. Then that hand turned into making out, and then sex. The morning after I was a wreck. I threw up, I got drunk, I missed school and work, I spent hours in the showering just scrubbing myself, and I then I locked myself in my room and just sobbed all day because I felt so disgusting. After that incident, we had sex again and I didn’t get like that afterwards so we kept having sex. I was horny and she was there, was a perfect opportunity for me.

Normally, I would feel shitty about saying stuff like this because I sound like a total douche bag but I told my girlfriend so many times about how I didn’t want to date her. I’ve tried to breakup with her, I’ve tried to talk to her, before we started dating we talked all the time about how I wanted no future with her, but she still wanted a relationship. I warned her on multiple occasions that I did not want this to last and the second I can move out I would never talk to her again. Now, she’s cutting herself and attempting and threatening suicide and I’m stuck. If I break up with her and she kills herself everyone would blame me and I would feel so guilty. I do love my girlfriend, truly. When she overdosed I spent three days with her before she got transferred to the ward and I cried so hard those three days. Leaving the hospital, I had a breakdown and I had to pull over because I was crying so hard. She’s my best friend and I just wish it would’ve stayed that way but we’ve burned that bridge a long time ago and now it seems like my only option is to leave her behind completely.

She comes home from the psych ward tomorrow and I’m dreading it. I’m trying to pick up extra shifts so I won’t be here when she gets back, I installed a lock on my door so she can’t come in unless I open it for her. Maybe I am a shitty person but at this point I don’t even care. I’m so miserable when she’s around. I haven’t been suicidal in months, years almost, but when she moved in all I wanted to do was die. When she left, it was like a curse had been lifted. I felt so much lighter and so much happier and I’ve gotten myself back on track completely and I couldn’t be more happy with where I am. I’ve decided that if she won’t let me break up with her, I’ll just be such a dick she’ll break up with me. Even if all her friends hate me and it creates tension in the house, at least then I’d be free. Fuck, maybe then she’d finally fucking move out.

---

anonymous Dating October 16, 2023 at 5:23 am 0 0