I feel like a loser

I just feel like such a loser. By all means, I'm not by societal standards, but I think I truly am. I attend a really good college for my major (music), I have a lot of friends, I work out, I have a lot of interests, I've had relationships, everything that a young college kid is supposed to have. But deep down ... I think I really am such a loser.
First things first: music. I grew up playing multiple instruments, winning awards, doing almost everything that young prodigies are supposed to do. But, then I audition for music school on (not one of my primary) instruments, and I get told I should change my major and look into a different school. So, I grinded the hell out of my audition to make it in. My teacher let me into the school, on account of how much "improvement" she saw, but still put me on a "probation" so that way, I'd keep working. Well, I've been working, almost everyone I know keeps complimenting me on it. I go in for my spring semester auditions - which I will admit, I have a god awful audition - and only move up ONE chair. I put hours and hours into this instrument, being the only one to pass this class, only to be moved up one chair. People who failed moved higher up than me. But when I complain about it, everyone around me tells me to "not complain" and that I "still improved". Am I not allowed to be dissapointed in myself simply because all of my classmates have gotten leagues better, but all of my hard work amounts to just ONE chair? And this isn't like from second to first chair - this is from last to second to last. Even non-music majors got scored higher than me. It's just solidifying my fear that deep down, I'm not a good musician. I'm just a loser who happens to be medicore at music and they needed people.
Second thing: gym. I work out. I've counted calories. I've drank water. I've done everything I could, and I've been working out consistently for about half a year. I've started to see muscle, less fat, all good things. But that's the *exact* thing. I still feel majorly unattractive. The whole reason I started going to the gym is because I'm fat and unattractive. My whole life, my friends have disagreed, but why else would I only attract people who cheat on me, hurt me, or have no interest in me? Why else, when I go shopping with my friends, do I have to find clothes I can fit into when they can barely find clothes that are too small? So, I was proud of myself for taking the initative and beginning to work out. But, now, my romantic options are literally 0. Like, none. Every person I've liked has stated that I'm unattractive, and that the only thing that makes me attractive is my personality. So, how is it that I *can* be attractive if literally only my friends think so? I just don't understand why no one else will tell me the truth besides the people I let myself feel a little too closely for.
Third thing: friendships. I have a lot of friends, I really do. But none of them are just ... my friends. All of my friends have people that are more important to them. Or they have people groveling over them (in my opinion, a lot of my friends are extremely attractive). I just feel like I'm a second option to a majority of people I've ever known. I've always come second, even in my relationships, but especially in my friendships. I love all of my friends dearly, but I hate this feeling of begging to see them or spend time with them simply because I have no one else to have. It all just keeps solidifying my opinion: I'm secretly a loveless, friendless loser with no talent that has only made it this far through sheer luck and will alone.
So I guess that's mainly it. Deep down, and it's a fear I've always had, but I know that I'm a loser. I must be. Why else would my music teacher dog on me so much, my love life be nonexistent, and my friends all prefer someone else to me? Why else other than the fact that I must be a loser?

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anonymous Other January 10, 2026 at 12:00 am 0 1