am i not attractive?

ive always either been bullied, or “lusted.”

from an early age there were websites to talk to strangers.. omegle being one of them. in 5th grade, my friends and i would always go on there for a laugh. Omegle was full of kids of all ages, grown men and women. anybody was on that website, night or day. i was standing up, my face not in frame. my 2 friends talking to these people. it was 2 grown men on the other end. i hear one talk about my body, calling me “sexy.” mind you, im in 5th grade. i remember bending down, my face now in frame. he said something like “oh but that face isn’t”, and skipped us. it’s nothing i never forgot. i think that was the first time i ever got called ugly or something along those lines. obviously, it never got better. middle school came around and people talk, mock, shame, bully.
occasionally, boys would show interest on snapchat, or other forms of social media. 7th grade ended, it was summer time and i was bored. i was experiencing different types of feelings and emotions, as any 14 year old girl would. i was visiting a town i lived in for the majority of my life and met this guy on snapchat. we ended up meeting up, and you know.. but we didn’t just get right into it. we talked, laughed, went on a walk. but we never kissed. i mean, i guess we didn’t HAVE to but that was my first time , and i wish he kissed me.

freshman year, i met a guy on “wizz” .. yes that’s embarrassing to admit, but he lived like 40 something minutes away. im 15 at this point. he was like 17? im not sure haha. we played video games together and he ended up snapping me asking to hang out, said we could hit his weed pen and listen to music. i thought that sounded fun, not expecting it to be a hookup. he snapped me while driving to my house and started asking questions like, “what’s your body count?” i don’t know why it didnt click in my head that he just wanted sex. he picked me up and we drove to a parking lot and he parked. he turned to me and asked me “so what are we gonna do?” i obviously said “wdym?” because we had already talked about what we were gonna do, chill and listen to music. he asked me “you ever suck d?” and i immediately get nervous. i end up saying yeah and he pulls his pants down. he told me to get in the back and i thought, “maybe if i just do it, it’ll be over and we can chill like we planned?” but he ended up sa’ing me. never once kissed me. it left me feeling disgusting and humiliated.
i looked up how i felt to see if others felt the same, like- never being kissed during sexual events. and guys said that they most likely don’t feel attracted to them and it’s just sexual pleasure they want. so.. am i just something they wanna put it in? am i not lovable? ive never had a real kiss with a guy. i don’t feel special..

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R. Body April 14, 2025 at 4:01 am 0 0