my birthday (this is so childish)

my birthday is in nine days. I will usually be asked by friends and family what I'd like, and I'll usually respond with "idk" or "don't get me anything you don't have to". but this year, not one person has asked me. not one person has even mentioned my birthday coming up. I haven't mentioned it, either. I'm waiting to see if they will. I want them to remember on their own. I want to see if they even will.
I get that this year has been busy. my aunt had a baby like a week and a half ago, my sister's birthday was five days ago, there's school musical stuff, my brother is graduating this year, one of my friends is going back to Germany forever after his exchange year, school is shitty and tough, there were pictures for dance, there's getting ready for dance recital, there's band concert and contest, there's work, there's birthdays after mine, there's Mother's Day, nobody has like any free time right now. But I still have my birthday. I wanted to have friends over or something. I haven't been able to do that for my last two birthdays. my last two birthdays, we just combined it with my grandpa's (which I don't mind, when I was younger my sister and I had combined parties, I'm used to never having a birthday by myself), got food to eat together at my house, and I get a few half-assed gifts.
It's not hard to shop for me. I'm autistic, literally all you have to know is one interest of mine and just get something related to that. It's not hard. I'm not asking for like the world or something. I just want to feel like people think about me.
and I don't want fucking yarn this year. I crochet, so that means that people think a proper gift is yarn and a "omg you should make ____ for me!". that is not a gift. do not give me a chore for my birthday. please do not make me resent my hobby. please do not take that away from me. please
there's one thing I've wanted since I saw it on a TikTok video before Christmas. its little shoe clips for high-top converse with two logos for one of my favorite bands. I put them in the Christmas list my grandma begged me for, she saw the link, my aunt saw the link, I showed these shoe clips to my mom. I really wanted them. I don't normally share my favorite bands with my family (I'm scared of judgement), so asking for something like that was me being brave. I was so excited to even think about opening them. but I didn't get them.
so I was going to ask for and really push for them for my birthday. again, I REALLY want these shoe charms. most of what I wear is sweatpants and school sweaters, and I wanted to use those shoe charms to help me feel more like myself. I hate having to wear almost exclusively my school's merch. but its all I own. I wanted to try to start to fix that. those shoe charms would help me start to.
It was going to be the only thing I asked for. I was going to make damn sure I got them. but nobody asked me about my birthday. I know people know I'm not a huge birthday person (I don't tend to like all the attention), but some kind of small "happy birthday" is nice.
my best friend of nine years walked into school on my sister's birthday with a gift for her. I don't think my friend will do the same for me. I'm scared that I'll see her walk into the band room at the start of the day on my birthday empty handed and I'll start crying.
I feel so selfish for being so upset about this. I feel like a child. I hate myself right now. so much. is it okay for me to be mad about this? all I can think about is people who don't get a birthday ever, and here I am complaining about the potential of mine getting forgotten about once. I feel like I'm turning seven, not seventeen, with the way I'm behaving when nobody can see me about this. I hate that I'm crying over it.

---

rory Other May 05, 2025 at 6:59 pm 0 0