?

im not sure of what i want to be. i dont think i ever will be. "be" not even in the sense of a career, but as a person. career wise, i used to never think i'd make it to this age. a whole nineteen years old. when i was 13, i felt the same. what's the purpose of choosing a lifepath, if i have no idea, or motivation to live up to anything. at 8, i felt a crazy sense of ambition. a chef, an engineer, a writer, an artist. i wanted to be all of those things. at 12, i really did think i could. all straight a's. a sense of hope for myself. at that time, i wanted to be an engineer, and i was dead set on that! i was going to recieve a 4.0 gpa in highschool, get into UCLA, and live in the dorms! well.
fast forward. i've failed classes in community college, and majoring in biology? for god knows what reason. living in temecula, working at a winery, as a cashier. i look at the people that surround me, and with utter guilt, built up inside me, for these thoughts, all i can think of, is how i want nothing more, than to be nothing like these people. i don't want this life. everybody's struggling around me.
im good at a lot of things. not great though. my passion has always been cooking, and anything art related. but even those things, i dont excel at? ive never been the best at anything, in my life. and i never will be. my mom always said, "theres always someone better than you, that's why you have to work harder."
i dont have it in me too.
yes this is completely and utterly cringey, yet exactly how i feel at this moment.
i just,
thought id be gone by now.

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i Other May 03, 2026 at 7:23 pm 0 0