tw SH

I'm 14 and i've been self harming since i think i was 7. Back then i don't think i fully understood it but i would take kitchen knives and hurt myself. When i was 9, a girl in my class encouraged me to cut myself. I grew up with a lot of unrestricted internet access which didn't exactly help. When i was 10, i was in a friend group who all self harmed but it wasn't really like a competition yk? It was more like "you silently understand what i'm going through but its still a little bit triggering somehow". When i was 12, i got into a friend group of 4 people, 1 boy and 3 girls, who self harmed. It was insanely competitive and we would regularly show each other our most recent cuts. It was validating for a while. They gave me a lot of tips and i moved from kitchen knives and glass shards onto sharpeners and razors.

Now, i am 14 and i'm not really in that group anymore. I'm still friends with the boy and a girl from it, but we don't talk about self harm as openly anymore. I still struggle with it though. The first time my mother saw my self harm i think i was 8. We were walking home from the park and i was feeling incredibly guilty about it. She screamed in my face repeating the sentence, "life is not a fucking game." I didn't stop. I got caught quite a few times after that but it was mostly always the same things she would say.

The most recent time she saw my cuts was in June. I was wearing baggy pajamas and i stretched right infront of her. My stomach shown and my bloody cuts were on display. My mother got really angry and shouted my little sister downstairs. She then tried forcing me to show her them?? Meanwhile my sister was begging her not to. I obviously refused. I just tried my hardest to cry because for some reason i just couldn't. I was upset she knew but part of me wishes she cared. I don't know.

She booked me an appointment with my GP in July. I went and told her about my self harm, suicidal thoughts, eating issues that i've struggled with since an early age and my overthinking. She basically just told me to use the website Kooth and to try some public speaking group therapies. I did try Kooth and it made me feel pathetic. It didn't help.

I can't stop relapsing. My friends don't really know. Recently though i was sat in the school bathrooms when my friend thought it would be funny to take a picture of me over the stall. I was holding a razor in my hand about to start cutting myself. I know i really shouldn't do that at school but the urges get extremely bad. I really can't stop. My friend shown the picture to all our other friends before i could see it. They all saw the razor in my hand but they couldn't figure out what it was. They came up with the conclusion that it was a JOINT? I told 2 of my friends that i was holding a razor but it had been forgotten in my bag since a school residential and i was swapping it into a more discreet pocket. They pretended to believe me.

I'm tired of living like this. I starve myself for days until i binge on whatever i see. I'll cut myself for hours to feel better. When anything goes wrong i cut myself and i focus on my body. I hate myself. I want to rip the skin off my bones. What do i actually do? I speak to my school councillor but i only tell her the things i've told my mother. Which aren't really much. If i explained the whole "my friends finding me self harming" situation she would report it. It brings so much chaos to my family and i don't want to be a burden. I just really want help. I want to function and think like a normal human being.

I'm sorry if this comes off as some stereotypical "angry teenage girl" cutting themselves debacle, but i've struggled with this for half of my life. I just need to be normal. I really want help and i want to do good things with my life. Sometimes i really do want to kill myself but i also really want a future. Thanks for reading.

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mia Other September 06, 2025 at 10:32 pm 0 0