this is me ranting since I have no one to talk to

Just a vent (Tw, mentions of self harm , alcohol/drug abuse blahblah )
My ma makes me out to be such a aggressor constantly tells me I’m like I’m da , this man was an alcoholic abuser for years . (They are not together anymore )She will hurt my feelings and call me sensitive if I get sad about it and if I get mad about it she will ridacule me about how much of Angry person I am . So I try to be react to nun of it and I’m a emotionaless person I’m never good enough . It pains me that anger is the only emotion I’m comfortable with expressing around others because I can’t let my guard down , and when I do try to talk to people about how I’m doing it’s like I’m making them uncomfortable or they make it about them . I love helping people with their problems genuinely but it gets so tiring when they don’t want to hear yours . My relationship with my dad is just horrible from the get go too it’s this weird bond of him being overly in love with me then hating me and threatning to hurt him self if I don’t give him the attention . It’s obvious he only does this because all his other kids don’t want to talk to him anymore and me being the youngest it’s harder to leave him . Once I even brought up the fact that he hit me as a kid , and he was the one that cried never brought it up since . On Father’s Day he got so drunk he started trying to fight me and passed out which gave me major ptsd when he use to be a drunk and hit us .
Like fine I could accept my dad is unstable but it’s such a frustrating relationship with my ma as idk what I’m doing wrong but I’m always the person in the wrong and she’s constantly hurting me . She always finds ways to be labels on me and makes me out to be manipulative when I try to defend myself . I just wish I had parental figures that loved me normally rather then it being forced . It pains me to say that I never loved them ever how could I they make me feel like such outcast or a villian . I can’t afford therapy I’m turning 18 soon and definitely won’t be able to get it then . They always play off how sick I am too I wish they knew , they think it’s selfish to get professional help . My constant worry of doing something wrong or being attached to people leaks on to my relationship and it worry’s me he will leave me because of it . I wish I could be told what was wrong with me so I can fix it , I been trying to better myself the past two years after I suffered a bad pychotic breakdown alone in my room . Still to this day my parents don’t know about the cutting, eating disorders (influenced by them ) , attempting of taking my life , drug abuse (both parents were drug abusers ) , alcoholism that I still struggle with or just the everyday struggle of trying to be mentally stable since I’m TWELVE . It’s so tiring I doubt anyone would be reading this ever but I just needed to type it out it’s horrible thinking this all in my head and crying to myself .
When something triggers me in public I turn straight to anger even if it’s around people I am close with, I’ve never been comfortable enough to cry around friends I don’t want them to think I’m trauma dumping or being manipulative .lol anyways I’m gonna peeel myself up and continue on with my life like I always do

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anonymous Relationships November 24, 2022 at 10:24 am 0 0