Sick

Everything I say that I hate about seems like my issues highlighted in red. A big f - for the social connections I've made so far.

How do I have no one to talk to because I'm not socially up to par.

To bleed the ears of my peers, family and strangers seems such a useless endeavor that leads to fruitless results. I could say all the negativity and scream life is not fair. But it doesn't change anything and that 'm drowning. I'm barely treading the water. I'm gagging and pulling those around me under just trying to stay a float. My emotions are running over my head and I'm willing to just let my imagination run wild drawing blood with a jagged kitchen knife. I hate myself.

I wish I could just switch off my consciousness on demand and my children magically taken care of with as much love and care that is out there in the world.

Keeping everything in check, learning the ropes, controlling my own emotions, and impulses alone is triggering. How do I tread without support, how do people have so much energy to invest in anything but themselves.

Just brushing my teeth is a hassle. I brush my own children's teeth more than my own.

I hate being unheard and feeling the need to be.

I hate desiring companionship and guidance and more the societal, financially obligation that comes with it.

Self care is for those that want to and have the energy. I don't have any energy or money to invest into that in a way that is satisfying to me.

I don't want the cheapest crap I can find full of pesticides and chemicals that wreak more havoc to my hormones and imbalanced mind and body. But that is what I can afford.

How do you improve your finances when your desires are way over your head.

Why is it that our society barely survives on its damage structural hinges and the people with money fight to keep it as it is? Is there no conscience. Where in this wonderfully damage world is the harmony, care, that can heal all these damaged human beings, animals, trees the very ecosystems that the earth depends on for life.

Im sick of the world being so sick. I'm sick of being sick. I'm sick of trying to try not to be. It's all sickening.

But when I look at my children I see hope. I see innocence, I see potential. I wish the world could be innocent like children again, that the hug from a parent as they are could be all what they need to feel their best again.

If we could heal all the broken people as they are, maybe this world would eventually heal.

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anonymous Relationships February 01, 2025 at 6:45 pm 1 0