Sad. And it's probably dumb

I want to smoke. I can't for a few reasons. And it's honestly making me pretty sad and pissed off haha. I am engaged and my fiance and I live in a state where delta 8 is banned and I don't have a clue where a dispensary is for medical marijuana. My fiance supposedly found one but they didn't come through and he refused to message them to get any updates. It wouldn't bother me that much but my fiance gets to smoke and will smoke in front of me. And I can't smoke what he smokes because he smokes a shroom based pen, it's like delta 8 pens but it's not. I tried hitting them and they just make me super sick, I get excruciating headaches and the last 2 times I've gotten either strep throat or just a normal sore throat and unlike my fiance, who apparently gets stoned from them, I don't even feel a head change no matter how much I hit the pen. I'm truthfully only smoking because I have mental health issues (PTSD, bipolar 1, MDD, etc), and I'd rather not use anxiety meds or anything of the sort. Well as of now I am suspected to have narcolepsy with cataplexy and have to do a study thing and can't smoke whatsoever until after the study (so I don't affect the study). I tried having my fiance get an update from the place he found and he refused but it kills me because today is the last day I could have smoked until after the study and I didn't get to. And I get to sit here knowing 2 things. 1. Had it been him in my shoes he'd be constantly bitching and telling me not to smoke because "it's not fair to him" and I wouldnt have a pen to myself like he does because again "it's not fair" and 2. I get to sit and watch him get stoned and I get brushed off over a fucking study. I don't even have a estimate of when I'll get the appointment. I have to wait for them to get their heads out of their ass and call me which could be 2+ weeks. I know it sounds like I'm being dramatic but I havent smoked a real fucking joint since before I was pregnant and that was back in 2023. Then I was in a place that made me stay sober because they didn't feel it was fair to other people If I could smoke weed even though they could vape and do whatever TF they wanted and it didn't matter if I had my card or not. I was supposed to get an actual joint after we moved from that place but my fiance won't let me find any places to buy from and he refuses to ask around, or when he found someone, refused to get updates and so we didn't get weed. Now he's acting like I'm a POS for being upset about it and for telling him to just fucking forget buying it and to stop looking for a dispensary to buy from. Like I'm fucking dying man. I want to fucking smoke and I'm so fucking close to snapping his fucking pen in half. Because it's genuinely unfair. I get he doesn't have to worry about a study but he never takes the time to consider how I feel about the matter even though I'm forced to care if it were him going through it. He couldn't even stop smoking weed to help support me through pregnancy (he said he would because I made it clear how much it bothered me having to stop) so I had to watch him constantly get high, while I sat there wanting to smoke incredibly bad and it's just seriously fucking selfish he can't even stop smoking to show he supports what I'm dealing with but if it were him he'd make me feel like shit for smoking when he couldn't. He only got his fucking pen because he wanted to smoke then and there and not wait to find a dispensary we could use. Had he not got the pen he'd be freaking out and bitching rn. I fucking hate this. I'm willing to bet to if I were to order a pen from a dispensary he'd want to constantly hit it and if I order from the dispensary id get it soon but I wouldn't been able to smoke until the study is over with so he'd probably fucking drain it. Like I don't know what to do. I want to fucking scream. And I told him I thought about getting a pen from a dispensary and he's like "that's fine" okay sounds good. Told him it's for me and me only because he has a pen to himself and he said okay that's fine but I already fucking know he's gonna be asking to hit it and it's gonna piss me off. Like I love him 100% but I swear to fucking god this man is so fucking selfish sometimes. If I try to hide it he'll tear the house apart looking for it or constantly ask for it and it's genuinely fucking annoying. Lastly he said "I won't smoke until you're able to smoke" yet he is constantly hitting his pen. And smoking. I feel like I can't fucking win In this situation

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Kyle Body April 23, 2026 at 10:20 pm 1 0