now I ve let myself down too oh well

I've encountered a bit of a problem. My entire childhood was just a shit tin of bullying (specifically getting bullied) and I have been diagnosed with PTSD because of it. I had a really hard time loving myself at all because I didn't understand how I could possibly be important or worthwhile if every person I got attached to would always leave me in the dust. (side note I'm writing this in the dark so sorry about the grammar and spelling). last year I had a gf and she was... interesting. she made me feel like all the fears I had about myself and being abandoned were for good reason, and that I was right to fear those things. she sent me down a really dark road, and eventually, she got tired of me starving myself and attempting to take my own life, so she dumped me over email. (on the first day of pride month, I might add. also right before end-of-the-year-finals). after she dumped me I kinda gave myself a reality check. I realized that I was hurting the people around me by hurting myself, and I decided it was finally time for me to fix my relationship with the weak little teenager in the mirror. so I spent the summer working on myself, taking therapy seriously, and validating the 5 stages of grief I was going through cause of the breakup. after I finally figured out a way to be at least slightly ok with myself, I blasted off, nurturing that feeling. I've gotten to the point now, half a year after the breakup, where when I look in the mirror and don't like the reflection I think back to the times in which I did like the reflection and I feel a little better. but now I've found a way to... love myself? unfortunately now, that comes with a problem I never thought I would ever care enough to encounter. I now feel as if I'm letting MYSELF down. And suddenly that matters to me. I've started to see myself as the poor 15-year-old with scoliosis, PTSD, ADHD, and depression I am, and the levels of self-pity I've stacked on top of me are my only remaining farms of self-defense. I don't know how to fix this. If I decide to not gaf about myself, I'm headed right back down that path. but If I keep letting myself practice self-pity, I'll close myself off from the world and not be able to deal with the world around me. Middle grounds have always been hard for me. I tend to go all-or-nothing. As I don't have a solution, I guess there's not gonna be a resloution here... thanks for letting me rant <3

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anonymous Relationships November 25, 2022 at 2:29 am 0 0