lonely and tired of it

buckle up besties bc this is gonna be a long one. tldr: i just can't have friends ig

so, i'm not great at making friends. i'm 24, aroace, and a horrific overthinking people pleaser with no concept of healthy relationships bc most of my family sucks (which literally just means i ruin nearly every friendship i have). i've had some bad experiences in the past, particularly with an ex partner who thought she could fix me bc sex and intimacy was a dealbreaker for her and i'd "change my mind eventually". she knew going in how i felt, but why would that matter when she could just try to push the issue until i gave in?
well, ever since her, i just have this eternal doubt in the back of my mind about every friend i make. do they think this is going somewhere? am i going to have to shut this down? are they only interacting w me to try to get in my pants? what if they catch feelings? i catastrophize myself into a corner and then freak out and cut shit off as soon as people get too close.

but i finally made a friend!! for the first few weeks, i was really worried that he was just interested in pursuing me romantically/sexually, and it was really freaking me out, but i locked in and had a few deep ass conversations with the dude. he swore that he was only looking for a platonic connection, he knew i was aroace (there's history there that i won't go into rn :/ ), and it didn't change anything for him bc that wasn't his goal. awesome! cool!! a friend! as antisocial as i am, i've found over the last few weeks that i actually really enjoy talking to him and getting to know each other n shit. for literal months we were in contact nonstop, and he reassured me multiple times that his intentions hadn't changed. i got used to always having someone to talk to, about literally everything. we talked abt everything from favorite foods to family lore and trauma, and had some deeply personal conversations as well. we were hanging out like 3-4 times a week.
it got to the point where we both felt like we'd gotten pretty close, and he kind of started hinting about being "closer". now, here's the thing. he swore he still didn't mean in a sexual/romantic sense; bro swore up n down that he didn't need that to be happy, he just wanted emotional connection. and while i kind of doubted it, i took him at his word.

now, for my non-ace/lgbt friends, i'm gonna give yall a quick rundown on what i think he was referring to.
in the aro/ace community, there's something known as a QPR, or queerplatonic relationship. there's no real one definition, because every QPR defines their relationship differently, but think of it like this: if nonbinary is a spectrum outside the 2 binary genders, a QPR is a spectrum outside of friendships & relationships. some QPR partners fuck, some don't. some live together and get married, some are just like the closest friends you've ever met. the point is, the relationship is defined by the participants; there's no right or wrong way to be in a QPR.

alright, back to ranting. so, when he said what he did about being closer, but not in a physically intimate manner, a QPR is what i thought of. i didn't explain that to him, bc i don't even know if that's something i want and i didn't want him to think there were options where there weren't. but when he mentioned that, i started doing some serious self-reflection and thinking about if that was something i would want, or if i could see myself in a relationship like that. y'all, i was seriously questioning myself and my wants and goals in life, over a man.
then, a few days ago, he tells me he has a date coming up. alright... i guess? we hadn't discussed anything, and i was kind of at a mental roadblock figuring out if a QPR was something i wanted at all, let alone with HIM, but it still kind of stung. anyways, i congratulated him, asked what their plans were, blah blah blah being sociable and inquiring enough to show interest in my friend's life but not give the wrong impression.

by today, getting a response out of the man was like pulling teeth. after months of us talking nonstop and being "super close" (his words btw), after literally making me question the foundation of my lifestyle and our relationship, suddenly he's MIA. and when i can get a response, it's one word replies and single emojis. are you joking? we're "so close" and you want us to be even closer, but then you turn around and snag a date, and suddenly i'm not worth a reply? a mutual acquaintance warned me this would happen, but i was like oh no way, we're too close for that. she literally told me that the second he was in a relationship, i'd be old news, but i brushed it off.
and now i'm genuinely hurt. months of constant texting and phone calls and hangouts, and now i can't even get 2 messages a day? one of the worst parts is, i can't really be mad at him for pursuing a relationship with someone, especially when i didn't even hint about the whole QPR thing. i can't be mad at a non-aroace person pursuing a normal relationship, but did he really have to make me so dependent on our friendship? did he really have to let me get used to having a real friend for once in my life, just to drop me the second he found a date?
and it really sucks, bc if i don't ruin the friendship with my dumbass brain, this is always the other turnout. i get too attached, they find a partner, and i'm left in the dust, maybe getting a happy birthday text, or a tiktok every few weeks.
i've spent the last 3 nights crying because i'm tired of existing alone. i'm sick of being different, and having to give dictionary definitions of my sexuality to every friend i make. i'm tired of opening myself up to someone, just to end up getting hurt again, and the only person i can blame is myself.
rant over ig, just me being pathetic and sad and ruining shit again. til next time i guess.

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tiredofexisting Friends July 02, 2026 at 4:43 am 0 0