I might murder my father.

Im currently 14 and Ive been living with both of my parents for my whole life to this point.

When i was young my mother and father used to fight alot, at those times i didnt exactly understand what was going on or barely register that they were fighting so I would just stick to drawing and using time for useless things. It escalated in my mother taking me on walks to get away from home, at the time I thought it was just some cute way to spend time with me, I mean why would I even consider it being a way to escape the yelling, it had became the norm at my household.
My father never used any kind of physical ways to harm me or my mother, but instead he would tell my mother that he's leaving her for good, leave the apartment with some cash and suitcase before coming back home hours later with some sort of an excuse like "there arent any bus's arriving today". I remember this specific time when I was around 4, we used to live in a city at the time and he left the apartment with slamming the door leaving me and my mother behind, my mother fell to her knees and sobbed there with me for who knows how long. I cant recall how or when he came back that day but hes still with us to this day.

To be honest hes always been a useless asshole in my life. Even the early days of my life he was never there, well he was there physically but not emotionally, he would eat with us, sleep in the same room, and thats it. We never really talked nor did he try to spend time with me until i hit the age of actually going to school, if you dont want to take care of a child then maybe just dont get one. I was once, and only once around the ages of 3-5 left alone with him at our house and i remember vividly how he yelled at me because I couldnt make cacao for myself. he yelled at a child under the age of 6 because it didnt know how to make fucking cacao. That same day when my mother came home i cried in her arms begging not to be left alone with him again, she didnt even say anything to my father about that.

When I was 6 we moved from the city to a town where my (mothers parents) grandparents lived, we didnt actually have the money to buy a house there yet but my mother wanted me to start school there since it was safer than the city. We had to stay/live at their house for around a year, honestly I cant recall spending time nor even seeing my fucking father while we were there, but he was there, he had/has nowhere else to go. we later moved to this old 2 story building that seemed like a good deal that we could affort, well lets just say that the beehive inside the kitchen vent or the rats in the walls werent exactly the dream, plus the LOUD ASS factory nicely behind our house <3

When i made it to 3rd grade he started somewhat paying me attention, he actually got me a laptop (windows 7) that i used to play games and use the media in general.

In 2022-2023 I was almost raped at school and my dad did literally nothing, my mom had to drag me back to school and tell the principal everything, spoiler alert the school did NOTHING. My dad did nothing to comfort me about it but he did do something alright! Can you guess what it was?? you guessed it! He started reading the bible to me every night calling it a "bedtime story". what the fuck. Okay first of all that does not help with my mental state, 2nd of all i was at that point past the bedtime story age, its understandable that some people/kids like bedtime stories until the teenage age or maybe even past that but my father waited till i was around 12 to start reading be "bedtime stories" AKA the bible. Youre a little late to the party buddy, infact no1 even invited you.
Around that same time i started getting these thoughts and i would dream/vision myself beating my almost rapist to death. Keep in mind I have never, even to this day caused any1 any physical harm and my friends would describe be as the "funny" "calm" and the "therapist-friend". thats what kind of a person im seen as, and at the age of 12 im daydreaming about beating someone to death.

Later on, I cant say exactly when but around the times I was still 12 me and my father would have real arguments, like worse than he and my mother ever had. I remember this one specific time when him and me were yelling hard and he said that he will kill himself because of me, that if i really didnt want a father he might aswell take the next bus to the nearby city and jump off a building. ... who in their right mind says to their child. He never apologize nor did he bring it up, he never apologizes for anything. After that i started to hate him, really hate him. i never saw him as a father but that just changed something in me. Actually up until that point i had prayed every night for him asking god to make him "better". guess all that bible bullshit had gotten into me. nothing changed after around 2-3 years of praying, im an atheist now. You can believe whatever you want to, but if theres a god he wants me to make a change myself.

When i was 13 (somewhere last year) my dad said he loved me, for the first time in my entire life he said that, because i was crying over a friend that killed themselves. I said it back, I didnt mean it tho, and i doubt he meant it. Im still very close with my mother, so that same day i cried again in my mothers arms, and i wasnt even happy that my dad said he loved me, i was fucking sad because i realised he had never ever said that to me before. While my mother says that to me daily, and i mean DAILY. and okay dont come and attack me, i know there are people who just simply arent comfortable enough to say that they love anyone because of the way they were raised ect. but my father is not like that, he says that to my mother all the time. but when it comes to me ive literally heard it ONCE from him, and yes its a big fucking deal because im his CHILD that he shouldve helped to RAISE. my father doesnt even have a job, HE NEVER HAD A JOB. hes been jobless for his whole life, infact he didnt even finish school, even tho HE IS ALMOST FULLY NORMAL, all thats wrong with him is that hes NARCISSIST. and thats NOT a reason not to go to school or get a job.

During recent weeks ive watched alot gore. its not a flex, there are some things in it that disgust me. but yet i look at it for fun. ive seen many people on the internet use it as some sort of a flex or act like they are different, this isint a "issue" of mine. im just stating a fact and i would rather not be seen as one of those people who act like watching gore is "SILLY >w<" or something along those lines. Ive became genuinely disgusted with him, the way he talks, the way he walks, the way he cant take a hint when i dont want to talk with him, the way he smiles, hell even the way he breathes. It sickens me and ive been having thoughts about actually taking a knife and twisting it, watching him bleed. I want him out of my life. If my mental state was any worse I wouldve already done it myself but im smart enough to know how my actions might ruin my future or maybe get my mom in jail or smth. besides im not currently physically able to take his life.

If whoevers reading this is thinking about things alike "well why dont you just tell your mother you dong want him in your life"; thats not an option right now, we're his only living family members (except his siblings, who think hes married to my mother..). And he doesnt have enough money to live by himself with his current addictions. even while hes narcissist, my mother is extremely empathetic so she simply cant leave him, knowing that he will most def die without her and her money that she brings. At the end of the day my mother loves him.

And no I cant tell him to just fuck off, i might not seem like it but i have a nice personality and im much of a people pleaser, i cant bring myself into telling him to fuck off, and even if i could he would probably just make a fight about it and then act like it never happened the very next day.


Thanks for reading i guess!! and uhm sorry if my english skills suck, im from Finland so uh yeah. help is needed and wanted.

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anonymous Relationships September 28, 2025 at 9:22 am 3 1