I hate that I love

Every second, every breath I draw is completely centered around pleasing someone else. I cannot focus on my own life without feeling guilty. I need to achieve everything my closest ones want me to achieve before they're gone. I don't want to fail them, but I'm beginning to think I will fail them. I have nightmares about their disappointment and sadness almost daily. Yesterday I passed out and fell down the stairs because I've been working for multiple weeks straight, no free time, no sitting down. Only taking short breaks to eat, wash or attempt to sleep. I sleep around 3 hours a night when I'm lucky, but usually I just lay awake with a crushing feeling of guilt stomping down on me. Even now I feel horrible for being on my phone for like 5 minutes. This obsession is killing me. Perhaps it has already killed me, for I no longer possess any remnant of individuality, I'm just working, trying to mold myself into what others want me to be. I don't know who I am anymore, I merely know that it's too much. Sometimes I wish all my loved ones would abandon me and live a happy life without me somewhere, so I can drink myself into a stupor and waste my life and health away without burdening anyone. It sucks. I'm too weak to operate a normal life. I'm pathetic. I was never meant to make it this far. I've been operating on meds and sheer willpower alone, just for them. I want them to be happy. I want them to be proud. I love them.

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anonymous Relationships August 26, 2025 at 1:55 pm 0 0