I hate myself

I absolutely hate myself. I'm insecure about myself and how I look. I try my best to put on a good show but it gets overwhelming sometimes. I think I victimize myself solely because of the fact that I am insecure about myself, I mean shit I work out, I have tattoos, I've had girlfriends, flings, one night stands, and all sorts of fun stuff that your "average" guy would probably not experience until late into their lives. Girls feel safe with me, girls like being friends with me and often ask me to hang out with them, but when it comes to dating I think I just suck. I believe it's a culmination of lies, betrayals, hurt, and self-inflicted sabotage in the name of getting a fucking reaction. I know that I will move mountains for the right one, give them everything when all I have left is my soul, and sacrifice what I hold dear to keep them in my life. But it seems like my heart is always on defense mode and makes it hard for me to really dictate who the one is. I like this one girl, and she has done nothing to scare me away, yet all the overthinking and disgusting thoughts come flooding in relentlessly. It could be because I spend too much time on my damn phone, like what my mom would say, "it's that damn phone". I start thinking about how she's with another guy, another whatever doing disgusting things. I become protective, selfish, jealous, and I am actively working on it. I don't lash out on my partners, but holy shit the self destruction that ensues, is devastating and takes me months to recover from (It does make for a good villain arc). I don't believe that she is doing these things, it shouldn't even matter since we're not together, yet it is overwhelming. I believe it is a mixture of familiar and painful feelings as well as anxiety and fear of rejection. I would get a warm and fuzzy, and then my stomach would drop to my heels. I am a well put together person with a personality that draws people in. I am someone people can trust and rely on. I am good at my job. I am a good person. I will be a good partner for someone who deserves the whole world and more because believe me I will give them my all, but this insecurity and I guess duality of myself is going to be the end of me one of these days. Thanks for listening to my TED-talk.

---

kyle Dating June 28, 2025 at 12:21 am 0 0