I hate it here

I'm trying to have strength. I'm trying to push through. But I can't ignore it anymore. I'm sick. I'm really sick. And nobody's helping me. And I spend over an hour cleaning up disgusting maggots, and I just get asked to take it out to the trash. To put my body through even more stress. I hate it here. I hate it. I honestly have a strong urge to put myself in a hospital so that I don't have to live like this anymore. It's so disgusting. Jeanne Dielman did something to me. I can't sit still anymore unless I am deep into scrolling. I have to be working. I have to be doing something. Or else I feel guilty. It's nice when I'm doing calming things. But once eventually the guilt creeps in. Look at this fucking place. It's disgusting. And I'm so alone. So utterly alone. I did the best I could, and then I let it rot again. Well now I'm cleaning up after everybody. Unless I'm on death's door, I'll be picking up everybody else's messes. And barely getting a thank you. I hate it here. And I'm lonely. I'm trying not to admit it, but I'm fucking lonely. I've trained myself to be used to it but it still hurts. Like I've given myself so many wounds from ignoring people, from avoiding connection, and now it don't even feel it anymore. It's so normal to me. But the pain still creeps in. I still feel the loss. I know I'd be so much happier if I had people to lean on. But I don't. And I don't know if I'm even going to try to make any deeper connections now. Maybe something will come up, I don't know. I'm waiting on fate. Maybe that's gonna make me die alone. Ugh. Melancholy feels so good. I resist all optimism, all happiness. I don't want to acknowledge that there are ways to make me happier. I just want to froth in my disappointment of the world. I can try to take care of myself and be happy. But I can't help but feel like it's wrong. It just feels so uncomfortable. Am I just used to pessimism now? If I tried to change, could I? Maybe the way I'm living isn't all that bad. Maybe I'm authentic the way I am. Maybe the gratification that my nature gives me is what I live for, my purpose, my essence. Maybe happiness is just unnatural. God if I don't get help soon for my physical shit my mental shit is going to completely collapse. Though I don't want to admit it, it is going to be okay. I am going to make connections. I am going to be alright. The sun is going to go up, and it's going to come down. Making peace with it isn't giving in. Accepting things and recognizing that they can get better doesn't mean I'm throwing away everything I stand for, or losing who I am. The world is fucked up and I love it. If it was all good I don't know who I'd be. Meditation is the calmest I ever feel, and it feels wrong! It feels wrong to be happy! It feels wrong to be doing nothing! I just want it to feel right! I want to be truly, completely happy! But I also completely loathe that idea! I couldn't live in peaceful ignorance. I would lose everything I live for. I want that voice in my head that tells me it's wrong to shut up. But that voice is me! I am my voice! You can say I have a soul or something, but at the end of the day, I am my thoughts. If I lost my thoughts or the ability to think, I would lose myself! I embrace this fucked up world! I embrace my broken nervous system! I embrace the painful leap I take each morning out of bed, and the exhaustion I feel each day! I embrace the pain of life! And I embrace the beauty! I will allow myself to be happy! I will allow myself to find beauty where there is beauty! If there is no beauty, I won't lie to myself. But I won't ignore it just because there is also ugliness. This new mantra feels wrong. But that's okay. I'm going to live it anyway. I'm going to live it in spite of who I am. And I hate saying it, but it will make me happier! This is the only way to keep myself afloat. A bitter pill, but necessary.

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anonymous Other September 24, 2025 at 12:26 am 0 0