i hate and love my ex boyfriend

okay so basically, my ex boyfriend. we will call him e for this rant. e and i dated for the first time my freshman year and his sophomore year. we dated for a couple of months and then i ended things with him because of some personal things i had going on. fast forward to about a year later, im living in a different state, and he has a new girlfriend. who we will call l for this rant. basically e and l had been together for a while at this point, and i tried to just forget about him. but at one point, he ends up reaching out to me while he is still in a relationship. (via google doc btw) so basically we would text on and off, more off than on. but this created a really unhealthy obsession. i literally started revolving my entire life around this man who i wasnt even with. at this point its like april, and i move back to the county he lives in. we started facetiming occasionally and that just added to the obsession for me. e and l ended up breaking up, and when i went back to school e and i would see each other all the time. we would walk around together, talk at lunch, etc, etc. as you couldve guess, on july 6th 2023 we started offically dating. we dated for over ayear, and although we would definitely have arguments get on each others nerves, we loved each other more than anything. he was my everything and i was his. it ended up becoming a codependent issue on his part. we couldnt go even an hour without facetiming the other person. it wasnt the best dynamic but we knew that we loved each toher and when we were truly care free, we were so incredibly happy together. fast forward to the beginning of august. e decided hat he was going to enlist in the navy, and he left month. with all the issues we had and the pain i felt from him being gone but me not even being able to speak to him, i ended the relationship. i told him that it was not because i didnt love him anymore, i just really couldnt be away from him. we had created this dynamic in our relationship where we talked to each other all day everyday, and we did not prepare for what we were going to do when he went into the navy. he still sent me letters throughout his time in bootcamp, and i did the same. he would call me when he could and we would talk, sometimes it was good and sometimes it wasnt. but once he got out of bootcamp, we didnt talk for months. i ended up getting into a stalking stage and out of respect for that person, i told e that we shouldnt talk anymore. (this was january 2025). wellll the guy i was talking to and i didnt work out (got ghosted). i continued not to speak to e simply because i had no clue if he absolutely despised me or if he still had feelings for me. wellll if we fast forward to now (april 2025)... e has a new girlfriend, who we will call m. they have been together for a little over 2 months. one of his friends told him about a tiktok comment that i left under someones video talking about him. it wasnt anything negative, just about something i did in the past that i wondered if he still thought about. he ended up searching through the comment section, finding my comment and replying to it. i replied immediately, just because i know i still love him. he ended up dming me on tiktok, asking if i wanted to talk. i said yes, and he gave me his number (again). we started texting each other and he ended up asking to facetime me, because his roomates werent in his room. i of course accepted the offer, already knowing what was to come. we talked on the phone for 3 hopurs that night. about everything. we talked about our relationship, how he is doing in the navy, how my life has been, everything. and it was so so flirty. like he immediately answered the phone with a big ass smile on his face. and thats how he is every time he does this. ive been put in this position so many times. he reaches out to me when he has a girlfriend, and then proceeds to ghost me because he doesnt know how to feel. anywayyy let me continue. he ended up telling me he never really got over me and things with his current girlfriend 'just arent the same". i took all this information right into the libray of my mind, i reasly had a feeling he was going to come back to me. he ended up sending me a text that night after the call stating, "goodnight gracie (my name), i know this isnt going to become like a normal thing but i wanted to say it was really nice to talk to you again and for it to always be so easy. ill never think of you as anything less than the absolute best friend ever! make sure to tell all 11 of your dogs t=about me and make sure theyre okay tell them i said hello" okay so yes i have 11 dogs whatever. although he sent this message saying "this wont become a normal thing" we did facetime multiple times in a row the days following. things seemed to be going pretty good, we would have nice genuine conversations and were being so kind to each other. he ended up adding me back on snapchat. we went through our old chats together and just looked at all of our old photos together. he ended up telling me he was coming down to visit (hes 5 hours away from me) and saying "i would like to see you this weekend for even just a second if thats okay with you" so of course this gave me the idea that he was going to come see me. NOPE! the entire time he was here he completely ignored me. this left me completely blindsided. he re entered my life just a week ago talking about how he never got over me and missed me or whatever but then he goes and doesnt respond to me the entire time he was actually here? i lowkey started tweaking out and ended up texting a mutual friend of ours, who we will call b. i asked b if i could talk to her, and she already knew what i was going to say. turns out he had already told her about the whole facetime thing. i basically explained to her the whole story and about how hes just leaving me in the dust like he always does. he just comes back to see if i will still be here, which he knows i always will. anyway b and i end up on facetime and she just tells me all these things about how she thinks e and i are meant to be and no matter what i will be the love of his life. so of course im like going off in my head right now thinking hes in love with me lol. but she then texts e and is like bringing up my confession to him and he tells her, to tell me to text him. so i did. i texted him and he said "we need to talk" basically all he said was that he shouldve never texted me in the first place and that he doesnt want to speak to me anymore. just crazy for someone who literally reached out to me first and got my hopes up for absolutely nothing. anyway, b and i are hanging out tomorrow so were gonna see if she can get him to change his mind or think about it a little more. i dont know, i know i can give him everything he wants and more, but he claims that i couldnt. i love this man more than anything in life and letting him go is actually the hardest thing ive ever had to do. i dont know what im supposed to do to get over him whenever every time i do he crawls back into my life and then leaves me again. and ims tuck here with all these feelings that i dont know how to navigate. thats why im writing all this lol because its not like i can text him and go off on him. also he blocked me on snapchat and instagram today, but not on messages! just kinda weird to me how he always leaves at least one line of communication for us to speak to each other. he never fully closes the door. he always leaves it a little cracked. and i know im supposed to close the door and lock it, but tbh my door is wide the fuck open. keep in mind this guy and i were dating for over a year and we NEVER HAD SEX. like thats actually insane to me what man are you gonna fdind in this day in age thats going to do that. i just know he loves me still and i want him to realize it so fucking bad. i dont even care if im a bad person for being in love with him while he has a girlfriend. he was mine first. he literally told me he jsut got into a relationship to try and distract himself. i know he doesnt actually love her.

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gracie Relationships April 21, 2025 at 9:36 pm 1 0