I dont want to live anymore

So I was chosen to fight this upcoming Saturday for feature writing, but Im not ready because I was thinking a lot of things. I even cried earlier while writing a feature because my opponent[not my enemy just the one im with; theres 2 categories, english and Filipino and I got fili] -was already done and ofc i got jealous and angry(ig) and i was also saddened because she was already finished while me? I havent even started! my paper was so blank so ofc i felt jealous and angry bcs i shouldve been the one that was done first! after she passed her paper and went home,[my mentor was in another clasroom so i was alone in my room] a tear fell from my eye. 1 or 2hrs later im finally done and after i got home i immeadiately went to my room and changed. after that i went to my laptop and opened messenger. i clicked my best friends account and said 'di ko na kaya[I cant do this anymore]' she was active but didnt seen, i only thought she was busy so i just opened yt and searched the playlist vents yk..... after maybe 10 or 7min she finally seened and what she replied is "no kaya mo yan[no you can do it]" after that she kept sending motivating chats but it doesnt affect me or it doesnt do anything to me, like the emotions that i felt when i cried in my room in my school is still the same as the one im feeling when im finally at house. I felt downed again so i said negative things like "i cant do this" 'im too dumb' 'I WANT TO DIE' 'im stupid'. If i lost at the competition tomorrow im gonna feel extremely sad and embarrassed bcs the last time the same competition happened and our school won almost all the titles. So if I dont win the competition, ill feel my heart stop and embarrassed, bcs my mentor and everyone including my family especially my mom and dad is expecting the win for me;( like im not that smart to win a not-so-simple contest, ill have 10 plus opponents, and what if those opponents win bcs theyre so much better than me?:( Why do teachers and parents always expect high grades in their student/children? like are we robots to you? you guys say ur always tired of everything, w/o knowing that we're also as tired as you! but how will u know u dont even care about our mental health anyway. If ever I lost in the competition ill just try to bring up myself, im already overthinking about what my mentor will say, what the judges and people will think of me and my writing, like are they gonna love it or not? i always try to ignore the feeling of this dumbness, like if im gonna compare my grades to all my class im still better than them, so why would I think that ill not win and im stupid? I tried to think of positive things but the bad ones always come up first;( Im so tired of living in this ugly society. I just want to die in my sleep and never wake up again, cause i cant do this shii anymore. everything is so hard. eberything in my life is so hard. I dont understand why i alwayw have to have problems, like dude chill im just a kid im not at the right age to experience this kind of things rn. people always expect high on me, but i always get low and bad grades. like if u want a perfect child or student why did u even have me/ why did i even come out of you. my classmates hate me for my personality or bcs of myself, some people call me ugly, or insult me in a bad way making me have no confidence and have low self esteem. im extremely depressed and i have social anxiety, if i would rate how fvcked up my life is out of 100, ill rate it 10000000/100. my life is so fvcked up rn so god pls, just take me away peacefully when im asleep, simply bcs everything is so hard rn and im going through a hard time. Di natin alam, baka last message at rant ko na to sa mundo:D

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tired School November 25, 2022 at 6:11 am 0 0