Half baked emotion dumping

On the outside it could appear that I am stoic or callous, but on the inside I feel so much all the time that it makes me just want to scream! I am filled with so much anger that I truly want to let go. However, if I let go, what would I cling on to… joy? I am angry about things that have happened to me in the past; angry that I can’t get the revenge that I genuinely seek deep down; and angry at myself for not using my freewill to its fullest potential, whether it be to better myself currently or for the future. On paper it looks like I have accomplished a lot, but on the inside I feel like I have conquered nothing. I am not suicidal, but I feel like I don’t where life is supposed to take me and I am trying to just understand my purpose!

In grade school, the goal was to graduate… in college the goal was to graduate. However, what is the goal of adulthood?!? I work and work and work, just to come out of that environment feeling irritated, annoyed, sad or just downright an imposter. The funny thing is, I am doing what I asked God to do currently, but even with that answered prayer, I am still like why am I here doing this. Maybe the problem is not wanting to work at all, but who is going to pay the bills? Bills bills bills.

I don’t have a lot of friends and that’s by choice, but the friends I do have don’t indulge in the things I am necessarily interested in, so it feels like I am always showing up for them, but can’t trust that they’ll show up for me in the way that I want them to, for I have already believed that they are incapable of doing what I find joy in. The crazy part behind this insinuation is I don’t even think I know what I enjoy honestly! I grew in a household whereby it was my parents way or the highway! I rarely got to make a lot of the choices that I wanted to make during the time of my life where I felt like it mattered the most. So now it’s like I’m so used to assimilating into what others want to do vs what I want to do.

Growing up was interesting, I was so used to being what I was required to be w/o getting to understand who I was. On one end I had a father who just gave off the impression that he was constantly disappointed probably cause I wasn’t athletic, but truly at a young age I had learned to ignore him, and on the other hand I had an overbearing helicopter mother. I remember being forced to join the church choir, when we all knew I couldn’t sing. Now I was looking like a fool in choir practice because the choir master didn’t know what to do with me and I didn’t know why I was there myself. But according to my mom, if I had tried hard enough I could have sang -_-. My passion was dancing.. still is, and I am genuinely good at it, at least in the freestyle portion! But as a boy why would I be dancing, according to my parents. I was told join this after school program for kids all the way across town and even on Saturdays, but couldn’t hang out with my friends down the street from my house for too long or attend an afterschool dance program that I really wanted to join. I remember my dad wanting me to learn an instrument and I picked guitar, but ofc he wanted piano, because why should your child get want he wants?! Needless to say I can’t play any instruments. Because of how sheltered and strict my highschool life was, I had went buck wild in college. Loosing my scholarship and almost having to drop out! But overall college was fine, and by the grace of God I had graduated!

If I am being honest, as of right now, I didn’t think I understood why I had written all of this down this morning. I had just knew I need to write something, but as I reread I am starting to see it. I stated earlier that I have been holding in so much anger from the past and present…. heck maybe the future if I could, and I think I am still angry about not being able to join both dance teams I had tried out for in college. When one joins something in college, it’s more than likely because they’ve been doing it prior…practicing and building the skill over their childhood with likeminded individuals (a team).

I never got the chance to build my natural talent of dancing and it really pisses me off actually. I don’t know how to properly learn a choreographed dance that deals with counting, but I can catch a beat, throw in some free-styled moves and be the life of a party. I feel like if I was able to join that dance program after school in 9th grade I would have been able to join one of the college dance teams and build a camaraderie of people with a passion for dance. None of my current friends dance, and I feel like it’s one of the things I would love to do often, but don’t have the people around me to do it with.

The funny thing behind all this is I had gotten my dancing talent from my mother, as she was also a causal dancer in her youth who would always reel in a crowd, according to my aunts and uncles. So it wasn’t far fetched that her son would know how to dance as well, so was it just because I was a boy? My moms passion was to sing (which she couldn’t), so she pushed that dream of hers on a child that in fact could not sing as well!

Nonetheless, I am a whole ass adult now, trying to comb through his issues and one of the things I just realized I need to do from writing this is join a dance class just for the hell of it, and heck maybe even learn guitar while I am at it. Trying to use my adult freewill better!

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Amomynous Other May 02, 2026 at 9:10 am 0 0