Friends

I’m entering high school next year. Looking back, I think I’ve long had the feeling of not having a true friend. A true friend is “someone who will stick with you through hard times,” but how the ever loving fuxk will I ever find one when I can’t even maintain normal friendships and relationships with fellow year mates?
The thing is, one: I suck at remember people. Perhaps I’d recognise their faces if I see them daily, yes, and so it is easier to attach a name. But really. Three years, and I only can confidently state about a dozen people as my friends, two dozens of you count the one I still like but don’t talk on a daily basis.
Don’t get me started on my classmates. I oh fuck. I only talk with two out of a class of thirty-two.
Well, not as if maintaining them is a thing either. I don’t know, and my mother says to stop burying everything, but what am I supposed to do? Like talking to friends, I always inevitably end up wondering what they’re thinking of me. Why should they be friends with me? When I look at myself, I feel like I’m a fraud who tries to do anything to make relationships, but breaks away when it gets too much. (They watch anime A, I end up watching. Not as if I’d ever tell them I watched it.) We have a group chat. I only ever talk in sporadical bursts over days of silence. No one from my elementary talks with me anymore, and a part of me is relieved. I don’t know whether it would be easier to have no friends, but what is the difference really?
I. Hate this school, but fuck me I already applied to the same school (just the high school version) and got accepted by school academically. No backing out. I hate this school because of the push for accomplishments. Too late for me. I hate trying because I hate failing but I know I’m already failing but I always end up procrastinating and delaying perhaps to fool myself into thinking that the reason I fail is because I didn’t put my all and that’s true. I hate this school because it makes me see that I am wholly unfit to become an adult. It confronts me with my weaknesses, and I’ve always been the type to run away from my problems until they explode into a wildfire.
Relationships… I think I’m a terrible friend, and I don’t understand why S has been friends with me since first year. She is…perhaps the only one who has been in constant talking communication throughout my three years here. I admire her. She is kind. She is smart. She is willing to try and join competitions while I cowardly stay away from fear. I admire her.
I also hate it hate it hate it when people says sorry to me many times, you know? And when they call me smart. So what, I get good scores and excel in exams and math and English and science? I have practically no social life, never step outside, health no sports, a cowardly person who cares too much of opinions, no ambition, no direction. When they call me smart, it feels like one huge joke. I kept on wondering when it will all fall, and I’m starting to think that this is it.
Anyways. Haven’t finished my mandatory research paper which was due last week, and for which I had foolishly assumed that questionnaires would be easier, but now I’m here with 18 out of 200-ish students. Procrastination sucks. Do not do this. Nope. Hahahaaha.
I hate it when they call me smart. I’m not. I just happen to know how to excel without much trying at exams. No soft skills. No ambition, direction, courage. Someone who spends four hours a day drunk on fanfiction, wishing that it was real instead.
I think that my parents will be sorely disappointed soon.

---

anonymous Friends January 01, 2026 at 12:10 pm 0 0