AM I NOT A GOOD DAUGHTER???

Ever since I moved back home, my relationship with my mother has been so fraught and tense. I always remembered having a happy childhood before moving out. But moving back home now...I'm starting to see things differently. I think I have serious trauma, especially stemming from my relationship with my mom.

It's manifesting in such weird, instantaneous ways. I'm so hyper aware of the tone of her voice and the way she stares. It put me on eggshells and I'm not myself around her. Around her, I have to gauge the way I am, to make sure I'm not doing anything that will set her off. Now that I'm an adult, I really recognize it and it's jarring to me. I think the realization is really affecting my relationship with my mom now. And it doesn't help that the traumatic things

It's nothing too severe (now anway) - she used to pull my hair, hit me. Say the worst things possible (to this day, I still distinctly hear her voice saying from this point on, she's not not my mother). I'm not naive. I know she is only human and despite her title of mother, she is just only a woman trying to live life. But I don't know......I'm also just a human. Where is the grace for me?

Anyway, the "fights" usually stem from me (according to her perspective, anyway), and my decisions....that really don't have any adverse effect on her or anyone else. It just wasn't her decision and it pisses her off. Even when I'm doing something kind and I would think is something that she herself would do. Sometimes she gets mad about something else, looks at me, and that latches that anger to me. It's incredibly toxic. Something as innocuous as a good-natured joke I made on a phone call once set her off and she just berated me the entire time. I was with friends too, I had to step outside and try not to cry (I'm 30 years old too, I know I'm pathetic). The funny thing is, and part of the reason why I'm so incredibly hurt, is that I have an older brother, way worse than me on all fronts, but she adores. She's so patient with him and forgiving. She laughs off his indiscretions and disrespect and poor life decisions. She's so supportive of all his irresponsible decisions and finds him so adorable. Meanwhile, I'm responsible and reliable, I'm basically everyone's assistant in the family, and I'm the bitch daughter to her. I remember her saying that all I'm doing is a front to make my brother look bad. That I'm doing all of it on purpose to spite him and make him feel like shit.

The thing is - i do all of it for them. Because I love them. It's so demented that even that point of view is being presented to me. It made me realize how awful she must thing I am. And I don't know...maybe I am? I am very hard-headed. I'm opinionated. Sometimes I'm proud. But I think as an adult, we all have to be anyway? To get by. Who wan't to deal with a baby ?

Now, she's mad at me because I booked tickets to fly out to attend my fiance's grandmother's funeral. I've met her before and I was very sad to hear of her passing. My fiance and I had planned to fly out her to our wedding, and now that's not possible. Anyway, they live in a remote island with infrequent flights, so I would be gone for 5 days but will be working remotely for that whole period. She got mad. Saying why would I have to attend? They're not my family yet. She was almost making fun of me for it. For inserting myself. I feel disgusting now about it, but my fiance has assured me he wants me there. And anyway, she's flown out for weeks at a time to supporting non-family members as well. I would've thought she'd be proud of me for doing this. But she isn't.

She's being so nasty about. It's literally a day before my flight and she made a comment about how unnecessary it was that I was flying out. And it just...it breaks my heart.

Maybe I am a horrible daughter. Maybe I'm just weak? Or maybe I have trauma that prevents me from really confronting her for fear of what might happen next. I love my mom. She's the voice inside my head that I always want to make proud. It's both a gift and a burden to me, but I know I'm a better person for it. But god damn, does this relationship make me feel so shit sometimes. It's come to the point where I really just hide myself from her. I don't know what will set her off. I'm a blank template when I'm around her, so I don't end up doing something that will make her angry again.

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anonymous Relationships January 19, 2025 at 1:50 am 0 0