Why I am silent and do almost nothing

My whole life everyone has always told me, “you need to talk more” “why are you so quiet?” “Be more mature and talk to people”
But then: the second I open my mouth, they don’t listen. They ignore me. They say whay I’m saying makes no sense or is dumb. They tell me, “shut up, you’re so annoying” “be quiet” “stop yapping” “close your mouth for once”
So now I am silent. Because i know if I talk they’ll just dismiss it. My voice is quiet and they probably won’t hear what I say anyways. I stay silent because I am confused. If I talk you get mad. If I don’t talk you get mad. I’m unsure what to do. You’re telling me to do 2 opposite things at once and it’s like saying, “go clean your room” and then later they see your cleaned room and reply with: “why did you clean your room?”
So you make your room a mess again, expecting that they wanted it to be messy. But they come in and tell and shout, asking why you didn’t clean your room.
I talked a lot when I was little. Because I didn’t understand what you were saying. But now I’m older and I understand better.
When I talk you will laugh at every single mistake I say.

I don’t participate in any more activities; out of fear I’ll do them wrong, and you will yell at me. I don’t try new things because you’ll get mad at me for not knowing how to do them. If I try and do something but I screw up, you’ll laugh and giggle and my heart will feel like you just stepped all over it. Because you did step all over it. You wonder why I’m so heartless? Because you destroyed my heart. And there is nothing left of it. You hurt my feelings too much. So now there are only 3 left: fear, anger and sadness.
There is no more happiness. Because you destroyed it and then you get mad at me because I don’t smile.

I always get in trouble. My brother can punch me all he wants, but the second I lay a finger on him, I’m the bully, I’m the bad guy.
You’re teaching me to just let people beat me up and crush me. I will never survive in the real world because of your actions.
I never understood the
“actions speak louder than words”
If you told me to go die and burn in a hole as you’re hugging me warmly, does that make what you said not bad? Your actions were good but your words were not. So technically words speak louder than actions.

I wish I’d been born in a better family. A family that loves me. A family who isn’t massively bigoted.
I hide in the closet but I’m scared you’ll open it, and find out that I’m not straight. I’m not racist or ableist like you are. And you’ll be mad at me for it.

I’m my own person, not a mini clone of you. But to you, I’m just all of your personal punching bags: either with words or actions.

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anonymous Relationships May 25, 2025 at 8:32 pm 0 0