Why can’t they listen?

I am so fucking tired. I’ve always been holding up everyone around me, I was the one who helped everyone get back on their feet, I was the one who always listened. They always told me that if anything happened, i could come to them. But i couldn’t let myself be weak even for once. I was afraid that they won’t see me as someone who they can rely on anymore. I never let my emotions get to me. Because i was scared that if i’ll crack, they won’t get me. I’ll just be a failure for them. And that’s exactly what happened. The one fucking time i finally let myself speak about what i was truly feeling, and they didn’t listen. I was always holding up everyone, but no one was holding me. No one helped me. No one pampered me. No one felt sorry for me. The only time i finally told them that im tired, that i don’t feel like a good friend anymore, that i want someone to help me - they said to just “hold yourself up.” and “I was like that too”
No you fucking weren’t. You always had support, you always had someone to come to, you always had a chance to speak up. I didn’t have that. I never had that.
I just want to disappear and never feel guilt for not being able to hold up. For not being able to always be the one person everyone relied on. For letting myself speak about my feelings. I feel worthless. When will i finally be loved the way i loved others?

---

anonymous Other May 07, 2024 at 6:18 pm 0 0