uh i need a diary

I just dont know, I want others to care about me, but only the people that dont care and dont reach out, and it buggs me so much that I check ig multiple times a day to see if this person reached out meanwhile in the middle of a depressive episode, and have had a bestfriend reach out to me and multiple other people but I dont care about that, the only important thing is this persons interest in me that wont matter in 5 years. thisi is definitely an automated reaction at this point bc i realize it doesnt matter and that I can focus on giving myself what I need but choose not to do that bc focusing on something outside of me is easier and what ive been doing for so long. I just cant. I know what im supposed to do I just dont do it instead i lose myself in videos and tv shows just to ignore my brain and the anxiety, just wnt to escape instead of face my problems even though i know that after a short time of uncomfortableness ill feel better but no i continue to escape and i just want to escape out from my skin honestly but also not really i think my life and i am pretty okay its just thay i kind of hate myself and my life during these episodes and heightened anxiety like all the things ive learned and all emotional maturity goes out the window during these times i just hate everything and everything physically hurts AGHHHHHH

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anonymous Other September 27, 2023 at 3:40 pm 0 0