Thanks for nothing

From the very beginning, I had my suspicions. My anxieties that you chose me on the basis that you were simply rebelling. Your parents wanted you to find someone of your own faith and you pushed back. But you went with this weird quirky little white girl. Yeah, I bet you sure showed them. You reached out to me before you even healed from your last fling. You were still bitter and hurt and you made sure I knew that. But I could only give you sympathy, care and tenderness. So you towed me closer. Now you had what looked like everything. Some chick on your arm you could tout as your secret girl, while still getting spoiled rotten at home. No job, school was scarce, no prospects for the furture as I would later learn. You had your stupid fucking cake and could eat it too.

But then something happened. It turned out your family really liked me. Your mom would spoil me with food and gifts. Your aunts would ask about me constantly. Your little neice fucking adored me. Great right! Too bad it was never enough for you.

Your quiet, sensitive attitude was slowly turning into a withdrawn, emotionally withholding frigidness. Any plans or ideas that *you* proposed were suddenly too time consuming or annoying, or just not worth it. Every time we went out, it became less asking if you’d be comfortable, and more begging for us to do literally anything. Those playful, teasing jabs now had this needlessly bitter bite and sarcasm to it, which you would then accuse me of being too sensitive for your jokes if I had any pushback and didn’t just bend over and take it. Every fucking question out of my mouth was met with a snide “Why would you even ask that?” Because apparently, asking if you need an extra clean shirt was a weird question for when you were sleeping over in summer in 90 degree heat. God forbid.

All thought that had me in it was just sort’ve incidental. For me, you were a core aspect of my life, but for you, I was just there. Some thing. I was some small part, but I was never something you’d ever deeply consider. The occasional thoughtful gift you managed to scrape up every once in a while could never make up for the time lost. The words you said. The communication you lacked. You claimed you wanted me to reach you, to understand you. What could I ever hope to understand from an emotionally inept loser who expected me to just read your mind 24/7? The very thing men bitch about with women. “We can’t read minds”. Great. Neither can we. But we can try and reach some sort’ve answer if you just drop a hint and change your facial expression from -_- every once in a fucking while. What? Was I supposed to guess your whole life’s backstory from your 6 hour of scrolling in Ifunny memes, or 8 hour session of dead silence on whatever the fuck you were playing on your tablet? Give me a fucking break.

You wanted me to understand you? You had 5 years to figure that shit out too. 5 years to come up with a plan. 5 years to hold a decent length conversation that you started. 5 years was enough time to let it sink in that it wasn’t just “you” anymore? When you said “I love you”, when was it finally going to occur to you that this dynamic was “us” now? Except there never was any “us” was there? It was always just you. I was just some thing.

You wanted to be understood without ever putting in the work to actually let me understand. I had to guess. I had to make decisions based on the barest of bare bones information. And every single time, you watched me struggle. You knew. You watched me stumble around in the dark, grasping at anything, and rather than do so much as light a fucking match, you got madder and more resentful because I just couldn’t see better.

You became bitter and resentful because of your own lack of communication skills. Your own withholding of information. And when I did so much as buy you the wrong fucking pair of shoes, it apparently was fueling your resentment. No dipshit, I couldn’t have just “known” your favorite pair weren’t this specific brand, because you wear the same fucking things every day and never talk about anything you’ve ever been interested in unless I goad you to talk about it! I made the decision to buy you that pair because I felt guilty that you only had like, those 2 pairs of shoes in the first place and thought you deserved more!

You watched me try, fail, and then you pushed me away, and you did it so fucking subtlely, it was hard for me to even complain. It was masqueraded as us finally having “settled in”. We were used to each other now and heading into the longterm. I thought it was at some level of content. But I still couldn’t get those nasty feelings out of the pit of my stomach.

Then you dropped out of uni. And lied about it. I didn’t even find out until months later when I had to ask. You dropped out when you were so close to finishing.

Then your Grandmother died. And you took your grief out on me. Telling me how hard this relationship was on you because apparently now, your faith vs the relationship was now something that mattered! And it was suuuch a hard balance for you to keep in your life now that you’re choosing to date me! Forget about all my support and enthusiasm and general curiosity to at least wanting to learn it! Oh by the way, when was I ever going to be invited to the yearly ceremonies? I took your mom up on the offe whenever she asked, but somehow it never pulled through! You just conveniently waited until the last minute to bring it all up so I’d have to miss it! Oh well!

And then you went and fucked your coworker.

COOL. AWESOME. Never expected you to be that type of person! The literal last thing I could have suspected you of and you went and fucked someone else! After we had just come back from a vacation that I PLANNED AND FUCKING PAID FOR. It was bad enough learning that she was catching feelings for a man that she knew was in a relationship and still didn’t back off, but the fact you were too much of a spineless worm to push back and instead reciprocated.

Who the fuck were you anymore?

For the first 3 years, I watched you grow and improve as a person. You had become so much brighter and more thoughtful, and kind, and just out of your shell in general. And I didn’t have to do a damn thing about it! That growth was all you! Your smile was getting wider with each visit. You gave me this sense of hope and comfort, and then you slowly decided “Yeah no. I’m done.”

And you couldn’t help but take me down with you. And you did it so effortlessly. It was so easy for you to treat me like this and them wonder why by the end of it, I burned the bridge as quickly as I did. But really, it burned so quickly because you had been knocking over the fuel for months and had the nerve to cry foul when I would try and ask you not to. No shit it was so easy to strike the match and run by that point.

I had to watch you act like this and be so ok with everything because I didn’t want to risk setting you off. You could never handle confrontation. I had to carry on as this constant, happy, smiling dumbass with no instances of sadness. You never did learn how to confront a woman who was upset, even at small things. You loathe the idea that any woman in your life could possibly be upset by anything. Amd it took me 5 years to see this was a deeply insidious problem that you were never going to overcome.

I feel so stupid. This is what I allowed to hurt me for so long. I let myself be hurt by someone like you. A lazy, unremarkable drop-out with no real prospects, mediocre (at best) social skills, who’s daily routine consists of 18 hours of sleep, followed by 18 hours of bitchfests on League, while mommy brings him all 3 meals a day, washes his undies, and daddy pays all the bills in the goddamn house. And you’ll still complain. I meant so little to someone like this.

Thanks for nothing.

---

anonymous Relationships May 08, 2025 at 4:33 pm 1 0