This bulllshit

So, when I met my wife I was pretty much a burn-out. I was couch surfing, partying into my thirties, and I was essentially doing whatever pleased me. I had no credit because I didn't take out loans or use credit cards, I worked in a Target Warehouse, and after we met and I decided she was worth pursuing, I threw every last bit of myself into actually being worth a damn.
Started applying for better jobs, building credit, moved in with her, worked my ass off (not saying she didn't, because she did), and a decade later we own our own home, we're clearing six figures, I'm making nearly as much as her despite never having finished college myself, and I just feel that she was way more into me when I was flat broke and a loser without any rudder.
She rarely if ever initiates anything romantic, good luck having sex with the lights on or even weekly (and I've taken care of myself, still can fit into my dress uniforms from two branches of the service), complains that I never want to do projects during the week, can't remember the last time she said she loved me without me saying it first and when I try to talk to her she just folds her arms and tucks her head down, and she's become horribly and stupidly political and attempts to drag me into arguments on the subject of or about politics. She's horribly informed and I avoid talking about current events, because no kidding ladies and germs, she watches a constant news cycle and mistakes YouTubers for experts, and she doesn't actually read the news, she just waits for some simpleton with a YouTube channel to make a video and offer their opinion on a situation, and then she'll argue it even if it's rife with logical fallacies.

The project complaint is the most irritating. I literally have all the physical strength and know how, and after a day that starts at 5:50 every morning where I get up, feed dogs, have coffee, go to open up my facility, and then deal with managing my employees and coordinating shipments and freight, while running between two warehouses, and then I go home, feed the dogs again, empty the dishwasher, cook dinner, all while she watches the news, listens to politically inept morons on YouTube, or takes a nap. After dinner, when I do want to do things, she wants to sit for half an hour to an hour, meaning by the time she's ready for the arduous task of holding flashlights and handing me tools while I remodel our home, it's between 7-8 PM, and I've maybe sat for 90 minutes of the past 14-15 hours. So, you know all I want to do is get my nightly workout or jog in, take a hot shower, and maybe pack a bowl and enjoy a beer before crawling into bed and hitting the big old repeat button. So, amazingly I really don't feel like doing 90% of the work so she can tell everyone about what "we" did to our home (I don't rub it in, I don't mind working on the house, but I do mind doing all the work and her acting like having to do it on my schedule is a great burden).

I also have insomnia and PTSD, and she's an expert on completely shutting down when I confront her about things. I have literally tried discussing these things as calmly and lovingly as possible and explained my side of the equation only for her to instantly withdraw, and go mute. When challenged she claims she's just thinking of how to respond (no she's not, it's a pattern of avoidant behavior), and then she falls asleep like the dead while I stress over everything.

So in short, I'm certain that I'm just done. I just got over a horrible viral infection and still worked my job and did everything else I normally do for over a month, and she was about as concerned and supportive as a rock, and after I finally broke down on her last night and just flat out told her it was unfair and that she has to compromise...all I got was silence followed by her climbing wordlessly into bed an hour later and into the fetal position (classic fucking move), before falling asleep after I tried to talk to her and ask why she's been so withdrawn and horrible.

I don't know what else I'm supposed to do on my end...I've even supported her starting her own business and I've been working towards another promotion so if she does we won't take a hit to our lifestyle. I'm just sick. Sick physically because my lymph nodes are still swollen and my energy levels are low. Sick mentally because I'm tired of giving it my all and doing everything just to be ignored and rejected. Sick of being the only one who gives a damn or makes an attempt to work through things...just sick.

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Matt Relationships October 09, 2020 at 8:40 am 0 0