THE GUY WHO FUCKED ME UP

2 weeks in. If it was physically painful last week, or the previous week or so, this week is emotionally encompassing, cannibalism indeed. I used to wish that he feels the same, that he would choose me, well, I have already passed that feeling, now everything is just wondering if the things that we have are something real, that I cannot be the only one, that he must feel something too, that the things that he said are genuine. But as days and weeks go by, I think I'm also learning something, learning how to sit with pain, of feeling, of wondering, and how I wish it is a sign of healing, because God, I yearn for him, I miss him, and I hate him.

My body rejects the idea of him, my mind loves the thought of him. In reality, he is just an idea, the things that he made me experience, the words that he counts as truth, the feelings that he made me feel, oh, how I wish those things to be real, but he is an idea.

Yearning isn't a pleasant feeling; it's a near descent into the spiral of addiction, to love, to be understood, to be connected, despite their flaws. It's wanting to consume them, that my heart belongs to them alone, and I swear, only the universe knows what my heart desires, him. Yet he is a sinner, and he makes me sin.

Last week was worse, tonight I feel a lot, but weeks ago was worse. It makes sme sick, I want to vomit, I keep thinking about him, his voice keeps appearing in my head, and I can still hear the timbre of his voice near my jugular, but he says the same things to her. I am not a loss, I am just a placeholder in your perfect little egotistical world. I shouldn't have trusted you with my innocence, yet you used the same weapon to make me guilty that "I make you tempt," fuck you.

I've had ghosts of you, the one that told me to mourn for you, the possibilities and the potential, the one that made me feel my tears aren't worth you, the silent cries I had on my pillow. the sudden wondering of how you are doing at this moment.

i know you'll still chat, but i just got tired of waiting for a reply to my delivered messages, i got tired where all i wanted from you is your presence but now it will be worsem because i think if i did chat you, you will just ignore me im theunwashed dish that is stuck in your sink, a chore, wating to be washed with your attention.

Probably I'm like a mirror for you, since or something, or the other way around, of course, you wouldn't want someone who keeps reminding you of the wrong things you did lol, I hate that I understand. But for fucks sake chat me, I'm gonna die out of thinking whether you think abt me or not, it's the most stupid shit I have, because I am willing to be used by you anytime.

but not now.
probably never.

I will move on. By then, I'll just look at your message without an ounce of feeling. Yet, I'm here right now, typing the things I want to say to you, talking to a screen that doesn't reply.

I bet she looks beautiful. probably more modest than I am, nicer too. willing and kind. obedient girl. Well, you are an attention-seeking whore tbh, I can be over though, but I have enough self-respect to not give a shit anymore.

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anonymous Relationships December 01, 2025 at 1:46 am 1 0