Struggle to apologize

Something I've noticed recently is that I struggle to apologize to people. I also struggle admitting when I'm wrong. I can admit it to myself, but doing it out loud is so hard for me. And it goes beyond just stubbornness of not wanting to admit when I'm wrong. Having to openly apologize for something, or admit that I'm wrong, literally gives me a sick feeling in my stomach and I start to panic. I also can't look people in the eyes when I'm doing it. I have no problem maintaining eye contact at any other moment, just not when I have to apologize or admit I'm wrong.

This isn't to say that I can't say "I'm sorry" it depends on the situation. If I accidentally bump into someone at the store, I have no issue saying "Oh, I'm sorry!" Or if I interrupt someone who is talking. It's more when situations get more serious. For example, say I'm arguing with someone about something and I say "No, you're an idiot. You're wrong." and they say "I'm right, here's proof." and they can prove that they're right and I'm wrong. I have such a hard time apologizing to them, to the point where I just don't.

My boyfriend told me recently, he thinks this might be because when I was a kid, apologies were not a thing in my household. My mother never liked me, so when she wronged, I never got an apology. So growing up, it was just never properly taught to me. I was a shy, socially awkward kid. So, as a child, I never really did anything to warrant a genuine apology because I stayed away from people and had little to no friends. Now, as an adult, with a slightly more outgoing personality, I get mixed up in situations that DO warrant apologies. Yet, when it comes down to it, I struggle so much with actually uttering the words "I'm sorry" without coming across as assholeish or standoffish. I also do this a lot, where I'll say "I'm sorry you feel that way." or "I'm sorry that you think I'm like this." Which, yes, I am aware is a very toxic trait. I'm sure most people will side against me on this, because it's easy to look at me and say "You're just a toxic asshole." instead of saying "yeah, I hear your struggles. Here's what you can do to try and fix it."

And before you bring it up, I have been in therapy, 4 times. It didn't help much, and I never brought up the apology thing because it's something that I discovered recently.

In short. Apologizing and admitting I'm wrong, is something I struggle with greatly and I think it's because my mother was so shitty towards me as a kid, it wasn't a behavior I learned properly.

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Anonymous Other September 23, 2022 at 1:26 pm 0 1