snooped

i guess looking through my boyfriends phone was me trying to hurt myself. i know im a shitty person for going on his phone and i should just have 100% trust in him. i’ve been with him 6 years, the fact that i live with him and wake up next to him and im his girl should just be satisfactory. but lately we’ve been having problems. i think i need therapy. it’s mainly my insecurity. if i loved myself, if i felt confident, comfy, secure i wouldn’t need him so bad to validate my existence. ive looked on his instagram before years ago and it made me sick lol. of course he’s a young man and just like any other young man he likes to look at girls. so there was one account he “restricted” instead of blocked. it was a hot girl who just posts her body. i guess he didn’t block her so he can still look at her body so i just went ahead and unrestricted her because he was only doing it for me i guess and it would’ve been better if she was blocked lol. his brother used to live with us and he brought his girlfriend to live with us. it sucked for me. i hated her. she was so mean to me and said mean things and i never talked to her. we both never talked to her. i don’t think he ever said a word to her. but he looked at her instagram account. i mean it wasn’t in his searches but it popped up when i typed the letter k. i felt sick for that. i know i sound crazy. i don’t want to be insecure anymore. if i was reading this as a stranger i would tell myself to move on and let go and focus on my own health, nutrition, and wellness. idk why i let these horrible thoughts fester inside me like hot rotten fly ridden garbage. it’s 5am and last night we drank alcohol and ate dominos. i wanna go to the gym rn, lift heavy weights to distract the thoughts, and come back, shower, make us coffee. just forget about the past. i didn’t wanna gorge on pizza or spend money. it was a mistake. i know the alcohol was just a distraction for how utterly uncomfortable i feel in my own body. i might have just looked on his phone to justify how viscerally horrible my self concept is. i love him. he’s healthy, has fun hobbies, he loves me, he’s super handsome, sweet, and he’s rooting for my happiness and well being. i don’t know why im making it more difficult than it needs to be. i think therapy would help. and yeah focusing on my own life instead of being so caught up with with what anyone else thinks of me.

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h Other March 30, 2025 at 5:27 am 0 1