my mom made me cry on my birthday

my god i typed so much and it didnts save. i know it doesnt matter but im too lazy to type it again so we just go in mid story. here we goO

okay so my mom was really upset and threw things at him like oh we are only good enough for presents you come and collect those and then dissapear again. it broke my heart because my brother now broke down and just started sobbing while i was trying to handle her..

HE STILL LIVES AT HOME HE ONLY GOES TO HIS ROOM WDYM COLLECT PRESENTS AND LEAVE AGAIN. HE ONLY REQUESTED TO CELEBRATE HIS BIRTHDAY WITH HIS 2 FRIENDS ON MOVIE NIGHT.

it was so sad bro but i was trying my best to stand up for him but i hate my mom she literally doesnt give a shit if her feelings are hurt or if she thinks you are in the wrong she will literally emotionally manipulate you untill you feel like complete shit.

so moving on my brother was like aight ill ask them if they are available on another date. my mom was like you guys are growing up and becoming independent and we are losing more and more parts of you guys and its just hard blablabla.

im not saying that a mother having to let her kids go is not a hard thing to do. i completely understand that. but my brother is 18 and i am 20. and we have so much difficulty requesting small things like this. we also never invite friends over. geeee i wonder why

anyway it was sad so i tried not to cry but i did so i broke my "not gonna cry on my birthday because for some reason i have done that the last few times".

we cleaned up the dinner table and parted quetly. my mom later talked to my brother again, idk what was said. my brother is different in these things. i really get hurt. he probably does too but i never see it. its like it doesnt hurt him as much as it hurts me when she does the same shit to me. i always feel jalous of that, because i am seriously a little fucked up because of all of it. i cannot commit, i barely trust people, tell no one nothing about myself, barely speak it out if i care for someone, and get emotionally distant the moment someone hurts my feelings bad. i have issueesssss and i hate it because my brother seems completely fine.

even when i talk to him about the shit she pulls he is like ohh idk ohh i dont really notice ohh it doesnt really bother me.

i feel so stupid because then i feel like i am overreacting big time. then again when i tell my friends they are completely blown over by the smallest things she does. like not doing my laundry when she is mad at me or throwing with doors.

i honestly dont have any idea what is right or wrong.

okay for my part, like i said, today was my birthday. my parents got me sushi for lunch, and after that i made the living room cute with candles, and we sat down with cake. they were going to give me presents ahh. everything was really nice. that is what makes this all so hard.

the last present was like a cardboard mini table, really small, build it yourself, with like a really intense detailes modern print on it. it had the colours of my walls in it. my mom said that if i didnt like it, i could always return it. i will be honest and say that i didnt really like the print or the like cube form. since my room is like white with bluegreenish stuff, it has an old vintagy plantvibe over it. the thing itself was pretty ok, but i just didnt know if i would like it in combination with my room.
my mom was like come lets go upstairs and get it built up so you can see what it looks like and stuff. i responded with, ahh no lets do that tomorrow, im sitting so comfortably. she got annoyed and pushy after that, and thats where i dont know how to respond properly anymore because she is really intense. i was like, we sit here so comfortable, lets eat cake and watch the movie, we can do it tomorrow morning when there is daylight. that way i also have natural daylight and i dont have to decide if i like it or not within a span of 5 minutes. she got annoyed and kinda angry and was like this is not a gratefull response. my dad was like no we can do it tomorrow if she likes blabla but my mom stayed mad.

the room became silent as i put the thing back in its box. i was on the verge of tears and my mom said nothing anymore. i didnt wanna cry so i walked upstairs to cry, i felt horrible, because i really was so gratefull for all the things i had gotten and i also said so multiple times, yet this tiny thing ruined the entire night and i was just so sad that she got so mad over this little thing. even as i am typing this im thinking to myself you spoiled brat there are people out there who dont get all the nice things you got and they would not have thought twice about just going up and deciding if you like it or no. but even if that were to be true the situation just felt so painfull, i feel so hurt, and it feels off. even if i were to have done that i would have felt like shit. i dont even know why, i really dont understand.

my dad came to get me, hugged me, then said that its just the way mom is, that this night is supposed to be fun and that therefore i should come downstairs. that also felt wrong. i was however still crying so i sat down on the middle of the stairs to try and stop it.
my mom came by and was like oh here you are sorry if i made u cry i didnt meant to i just thought it was a wrong response to give after receiving a present, i just really dont understand why you didnt just wanna go up its the normal thing to do. i just want your room to be better and look better than it does now blablabla. i said that i cant always respond the way she imagines it in her head. she said sorry 4 times after i started to cry louder, but in a kind of "shut up i said sorry" way. i was like girl she said sorry suck it up and try to have a fun night.

i went back and tried to stop my crying for like 10 more minutes, while putting on the movie. i didnt really wanna watch it anymore, but saying so would definately have worsened the situation so i did in silence.

my mom said nothing, only a few short words here and there, and after the movie left me and my presents without saying a word, going upstairs

now i feel absolutely awfull. i dont wanna be ungratefull. i am so, so gratefull.
after everyone went upstairs i stayed down and cried for like an hour. i wanted to stop it because its a shitty feeling and i dont wanna be sad, but it didnt work. i feel so shit and like the worst daughter ever and at the same time i cant believe my mom didnt care about me, couldnt let this tiny thing slide along with her angryness and dissapointment. its like all is fine, as long as i respond to everything the way she has invisioned.

thats btw also the reason when we are fighting. its never me who starts. its her being mad about me giving bad responses, but i never have attitude, and 9/10 times i didnt even know i did anything wrong.

i didnt wanna go to sleep feeling like this and starting the next morning like this, so after i was done crying i dragged myself to their room.

there i said that i was really happy with all the presents i had gotten, that i was really gratefull and that i felt bad about ending the night like this (even though it was my mom who ignored me and didnt say a word to me anymore)

even now she still had the fuck-you attitude. she was like yeah i know you were grateful

however i have thought about it and your father made me feel like i did something wrong because of something he said. now i have thought about it and have decided that i am not sorry. i didnt do anything wrong. i dont think you can respond like this when someone gives you a present. would you do the same thing if your grandparents give you something? it would be outragous if you did. would you do the same to them?

now i felt empty, and like i wanted to cry again. i heard myself say in a small low voice "it doesnt matter" my mom repeated it doesnt matter? i said no, while leaving. i closed my room door, and started crying again. now i dont know if i am a horrible person or if i just have a mom with a horrible response to something she doesnt like. i cannot say she is horrible, that would make me feel like i am ungratefull. but she is ruthless and always does this.

i literally give my everything standing up to her, to the point that my own father (and brother) come to me for help, yet i stand alone in times like this. it turns out that my dad in the end took my moms side anyway. i always stand alone.

and youknow, i know i am not perfect. really, i do. it is just incredibly hard to know when my mom is gaslighting me and emotionally guilt tripping me over a thing that is totally not worht it or just not like she envisioned it, or if i am really out of line. it always feels like a maze and i am always disoriented. and i always stand alone. am alone in this.

anyway, since we fought last week too over a really small thing, i am, again, alone, with my own money, going to see my therapist because i need to learn how to handle my moms behaviour better. i truly do not know what to do with her dominance and intence emotional manipulation. i need to help me, because my father and brother wont.

and thats it for now. its 1:48 and it was actually just a half half birthday. i wanted to be happy so bad today, but it truly was 50 percent really nice 50 percent crying. maybe next year i will have evolved.

for now i am gratefull for my friends, and for the 50 percent niceness of today.

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anonymous Home August 27, 2022 at 7:50 pm 0 0