my mental health is declining again

idk what to do anymore. like im trying my hardest but i cant stop fucking binging. i have anorexia nervosa and have had it for almost two years, but after christmas i cant stop binge eating. i dont want to develop a binge eating disorder, but i dont want to not be anorexic either. its not an attention thing, its a fear of gaining weight. ive lost a lot of weight due to it but im still not happy with my body, i dont wanna gain anything and go back to what my body was a month ago.
i recently reached one month clean from self harm but i relapsed again tonight because it was the only thing keeping me from binging. im getting new piercings tomorrow so hopefully that will cheer me up a bit.
but yeah this rant was generally about how much i hate myself and how im reaching rock bottom again. i wanna go back to my old intake (<500 calories) but at the moment its somewhere near 900. its still possible to lose weight at that intake, its just hard for me as im quite short and i have a sweet tooth. i feel like if someone hid all the food from me i wouldnt feel the need to eat so much. sweet foods i mean, not the foods i actually eat. im a picky eater anyway, i only eat a select few foods comfortably. for example, the only kind of instant noodles ill eat are the super low fat ones, and i cant even finish a pack of those without feeling bad about how much ive had.
tomorrow my plan is to have a sandwich and noodles and some other things and thats all ill eat for that day. im really pissed off with myself because i cant resist going downstairs for food everytime im bored.

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jessie Other December 27, 2024 at 9:38 pm 0 0