man

im so sick and tired of myself. im so jealous of other people and its doing nothing but harming me. i cant even look at my best friend without my heart dropping because he has everything i dont. i always wonder why im so unlikeable when i already know the answer and its so stupid. i sit in my room and constantly wonder what life wouldve been like if i actually cared about the decisions i made and the importance of the decisions i didnt make. i think everything started when my dad died tbh, i mean i was 6 so i dont remember much of him, but im still grieving. ever since then ive always been jealous of people who can still spend time with their fathers. when my grandpa died and my mom was in literal shambles, i was still jealous of her. i was jealous of the fact that her dad got to see her graduate highschool, have her first child, go to college, and see her get married. mine didnt even get to watch me make it to 3rd grade. i recently saw an ad for an organization that supports the children of fallen veterans and i immediately got jealous. it was more of a "why didnt i get that help" kinda thing?? but i mean i have a stepdad, but i dont really see him as my dad, more of my moms husband. i dont even know his birthday. im also jealous of everyone who has a stable relationship with their mom. my mom has severe anger issues and probably has some sort of personality disorder but she refuses to seek professional help because she's "not sick in the head." it feels weird whenever someone tells me they tell their mom things, knowing my mom turns every single conversation we have into an argument or a lecture. it's gotten so bad to the point where i will do everything in my power to avoid being alone with her. if i have to stay 3 hours after school to wait until my dad picks me up, so be it. i would rather die than sit in the front passenger seat of my moms car just to argue with her for the trillionth time. she's so mentally exhausting its sick. she's also physically unwell but refuses to change her habits to get better. i also struggle with apathy so i will never understand why people do that????? like why complain about ur physical condition if u dont wanna drop ur habits? dont complain about a problem if you're not gonna fix it, cuz i sure as hell am NOT fixing it for u. doesnt help how so many of my friends have that mentality too. theyre always complaining about their issues but put in ZERO effort to change any of it. do yk how good my life would be if i had YOUR issues to worry about?? yada yada yada we all have our own issues, but they really take theirs for granted.

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anonymous Other May 04, 2024 at 12:49 am 0 0