limerence

it has been over a year now that the object of limerence in my life appeared and dissipated as fast as it came. I remember the feeling of limerence from being a teenager. The aching in my chest, the pull and gravity he had on me, the way everything he said seemed to matter. the way his eyes meeting mine could make the sun shine a hundred times brighter, the birdsong feel like it was calling my name, the aroma of summer flowers sweeter than anything i could dream up on my own. It was months before i even came to the point where i started to think i might be delusional. I lost more weight than i could ever manage on my own. I felt so beautiful and sexy and magnetic and magical. I felt like god was on my side. I know life comes in seasons but oh man that passion, the burning in my belly. It was like my drug of choice. My mundane reality had become my favorite movie scene where I was the main character. I don’t know how to cultivate that within myself or if that would even be healthy or possible. I have tried to recreate it to no avail. It’s like the chemistry, circumstances, the moon phase and my level of openness all aligned in that period of my life and a cocktail of love songs and secret longing propelled my life forward. I don’t know where i would be now, maybe in a different reality had i not met him. Not in a good way either. I don’t feel good lately. I may just have a propensity towards fantasy and unrealistic romanticism that is dangerous and annoying to myself above all. I don’t want to be a dreaming lunatic all the time and I’m struggling against it. I miss those times when i fully believed that I had a twin flame and i had finally met him and something grandiose would happen because of it. I felt so powerful. I would sit with someone who was smoking cigarettes and ask them about their life, i would ask cashiers what their true passions were, i would sit in the parking lot before work blowing bubbles and giggling, i would be sweeping the floor with a throbbing full heart, i would take everything as a sign that ultimate true love was carrying me through life like a bed of roses floating on a cloud. I could do anything that brought me joy simply because he was there and i loved him and could see his figure in my mind. I felt so lucky that I had him there, tucked away when i needed courage. His silliness , everything i thought about him, there for me to pull on when I needed confirmation. His image has faded now. I don’t quite remember his voice or how he looked exactly. The silhouette is there but I realize i never really knew who he was. I never did. It was always a figment of my imagination that I fell in love with. Even though it felt painfully real, heartbreaking and surreal. I don’t know him. Even though search everywhere for that feeling, i can’t find it. The perfect combination of hotness, silliness, and intelligence, vagueness and mystery. A soup of ingredients for a broken heart. I keep wishing i saw him again. Even though im ashamed I’ve gained weight back and don’t feel my best. I’m more stressed now and I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel lost. Just thinking about those days when I felt so sure of myself.

---

rbwfsh Other September 29, 2026 at 12:01 am 0 0