life generally

I've reached a point where I just wonder what I'm doing it all for. I've been miserable nearly my entire life and I probably will never get better as I am bipolar. Everyone I love leaves, not in a we fight and things blow up (obviously sometimes this does happen) but more in a we just end up needing different things and being apart, which is just worsened by my terrible social skills due to being miserable my entire childhood, which makes me struggle to maintain relationships

I'm in the middle of university right now and while my grades are decent, they're nothing to write home about, but worst of all I'm so incredibly alone. My last relationship lasted 3 years and ended around 9 months ago, I haven't gotten over it yet and my social anxiety combined with sensory issues makes it so hard for me to go out and socialize. I spend days in my room alone and I don't even have family with me as I went abroad for university. I know how lucky I am to be in my position but I just feel so helpless and alone sitting in my room doing nothing.

I was so sure university would be different, for once I'd belong and get along with people, but I'm not passionate enough to get along with my classmates and too anxious to go out anywhere to meet others. But I have nothing else, I'm not athletic, creative or particularly talented at anything. I'm just so utterly average that I wonder if my existence matters at all. I just wonder what I'm struggling for because truth be told I just wish it would all end, I feel like no matter what I do, there's always something else to stress about and I'm cursed to be miserable.

I just feel like I'm letting life pass me by and I feel so behind. I'm constantly angry, sad and just empty simultaneously. I worried I'll act on these thoughts and that if I don't, I'll just end up disappointing those who care about me, so either way, I hurt others. I just feel temporary? I suppose that's the best way to say it. Maybe one day I'll find someone who's excited to be with me, but I know that won't come without effort on my part, but unfortunately I'm too scared to make that effort on my own so perhaps I will live and die alone.

I just wish I was somebody or I never existed, not this weird in between where my life has had no impact or meaning.

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anonymous Other July 03, 2025 at 9:57 am 0 0