It's never felt lonelier

I've been home for 2 years.
I have made 4 "friends".
1: too busy to make time for anything never mind me. Don't want to expect anything from her but it gets to a point where it seems more like a choice and I'm always the one trying to meet up but i tread lightly and, most recently end up blanked.
2: long distance but when i offer to go there and meet up, some excuse comes us about how I shouldn't and it always starts with her being busy. At first, we had regular phone calls (i never call anyone) but now they're scarce and she's become too busy for those too.
3: we knew eachother from before I came home and I thought we'd be good friends. She thinks highly of herself in a i-think-you're-lesser-than-ne sort of way and it applies to everything. The people we talk to, the place we work, the snide comments she makes about me TO me. She started a business I wanted to support, she promised the first 10 customers an extra box (I was one of them). She asked if she could give my extra box later and I agreed, also reminded her a few times about it after a few days/weeks. Still no extra box- purposely forgotten. She went somewhere famous for cake. A colleague of ours asked if she could bring her back a slice (verbally). I asked for one too (by text). She got the colleague one and completely forgot about me. Idk if that one was on purpose or not. She's done a bunch of other things that i cba typing up but i feel like with the lack of friends I have, I can't get myself to let go of one tho i think i will with her especially.
4: when i was unemployed, i used to ask to hang out (she was mostly unemployed too). She would every once in a while until a couple months later when i start my job. It was a flexible job, still mostly unemployed myself but everytime I'd ask *and it was always me asking* she would make up some excuse. When i started working full time, and still tried to find time to hang out with her, she'd say I was too busy and thats why we never hung out anymore but she was the one who stopped hanging out with me before i became fully employed anyway. Whenevr she sees me, i have to start the conversation. Whrnevr we used to hang out, i had to instigate it.

I'm sick and freaking tired of being the instigator. I feel so childish writing this up. I'm grown but why am I stuck in this limbo of feeling alone.

Why can't I have someone who actually wants to be around me?

I don't expect anything from anyone. I be as understanding as possible to everyone's situations. I send gifts to all of them for their small and big wins. Just because. When they're not feeling well. I check up on them. I make time for them. I help them when they want it, even if my plate is full coz i can see them struggling. I do so much, and i know they dont see it, i do it because when im friends with someone, i mean it.

But it doesn’t seem mutual. There's no reciprocation. I feel so used.

If anyone ever gets this far, thank you for reading. I appreciate it more than you know.

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anonymous Friends July 05, 2026 at 9:46 pm 0 0