IS THIS ALL WORTH IT??

to warn: very long

I just finished my final exams and i might graduate from school. i said 'might' because 3 out of 5 of the exams i wrote were dogshit utter garbage and i have to pretend like it was 'okay' when in reality it was so bad i feel like puking when i think of what i wrote in the exams. the reason why i pretend like it was 'okay' is because if i say it was not my mom would go into panic mode and ruin everything for me. she is the overdramatic type and my dad loves to blame everything on me. the truth is ever since i entered 11th grade i have scored shit marks in these 3 subjects (AP physics, AP chemistry, AP biology) because a) its very difficult b) its NOT the subjects i like. i had no interest in any of these subjects and chose it only because my parents forced me. idek how i got AP level (mostly because i was pretty good at academics till 10th grade).

i hate how i have to pretend like everything is alright just to not worry my parents. if i ever show a hint of disappointment then my parents start getting mad at me. like only they are allowed to show emotions like anger, disappointment and resentment? come on, i'm a teen and this is why i resort to talking back at my parents because i bottle up my emotions and spilll it all out at the wrong time and then i become the bad person. the disobedient child. the rebellious child.

here's my story on being the family disappointment: i used to be studious and scored pretty good in all my exams, even the ones i barely studied because i paid attention in class. but 11th grade started and i chose the wrong subjects for myself because of pressure from my family and then it all came crashing down. my grades, mental health, happiness and ability to study were so low. the only that increased was my hair fall, anxiety and receeding forehead. even if i tried to study i would take 2 hours to memorize a small paragraph that would usually require less than 5 minutes.

i could not concentrate on studying at all. i would keep my book open and stare at the white wall because that was more interesting than all the stupid physics formulas and chemical reactions i had to study. i was wondering what was wrong with me because i never had this issue before. till 10th grade i only had trouble initiating studying but once i started i could finish chapters in like less than an hour. but now it takes an hour memorize 5 formulas. so gradually i lost hope and studied nothing. i literally went to attend some school exams without studying ANYTHING. like i just get panic attack in the morning before the exam and my parents would force me to write the exam by yelling at me instead of asking what was wrong or trying to be empathetic. so now i barely confide in my parents for anything emotional and find stupid ways like online ranting. i'm scared to ask for help and become stubborn when someone offers help or feedback because i'm afraid that they'll misunderstand me or pretend to understand me like my parents and be too harsh at me. you know, the only thing i wish for my parents to say since the past 2-3 years is 'it's okay, everything will be fine' in a sincere tone. that's all i wish.

my parents do not know how to apologize or be empathetic so as compensation they are ready to buy me the latest phone, put me in the best school, buy me good clothes even if it costs them an arm and leg. i really really appreciate their efforts but that's far from what i need at this time. i love them and understand they are humans too but right now i just need to feel 'okay'.

as the days pass by and my result dates get nearer, i can feel my heart rate increase and something is crumbling inside of me. like i can physically feel it. my only hope are the prayers i pray daily in the morning and at night. it helps me cool down a bit. i'm also applying to many colleges for this one course but idk everything depends on my final exam scores i'm praying so hard right now.

to add to all this, its been 2-3 years since i have gone out of my home except to school. like i wanna see the outside world. but i live in a city area and there's just grey and dull buildings everywhere. i just wanna move out of this tiny ass apartment we live. i wanna move to a greener area with cool breeze and flowers growing around. i'm so sick of this city life. i'm so sick of this student life. i'm so done with this unpredictable, unhappy and boring life.

my parents are both working so on the weekends the only thing they like to do is sleep in this tiny apartment. i feel like they're more anti social than me atp. i used to be pretty social and i feel like i still am somewhere inside, but it has been almost crushed under the academic pressure and disappointment i've had continuously for the past 2 years. i love talking to people and making good relations but my stress has slowly started seep into my friendship as i feel like it makes me more selfish and inconsiderate towards my friends.

i'm forcing myself to stop here before i lose my sanity and hope while i think about more problems in my life. sorry for the abrupt ending. and sorry if i sound a little stuck up because i know for some people my problems are literally nothing, some might even be thinking how lucky i am because of my numerous educational opportunities. i know that i'm blessed in many ways, but some blessings curse you and make you feel like you're nothing without it. idk what i'm saying bye.

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bella School April 01, 2025 at 2:36 pm 0 0