Idk

Ik this may seem silly bc I'm only 15 but I've had this feeling since I was 12. I fear dying alone I really wish to have someone who loves me but I feel like I never will. For context When I was 13 I got severe very painful acne on my back, chest, shoulders, and face but I never went to a dermatologist bc im scared of asking for things(it makes me feel like burden) this acne has caused very bad scaring especially on my back to the point that I cant wear tank top or anything that shows my back. During this time I have never felt so ignored in my entire life boys don't even talk to it's as if im not even there almost every girl at my school has some relationship even worse all my friends drifting away from me I feel very lonely ugly and gross. I over think all of this add my thoughts get very bad in one of my lowest points I promised to my self that I will kill myself if nothing gets better my the time im 20 I get scared even day I am closer to 20 bc ik I might actually do it. I avoid using the bathroom mirror bc I hate looking at myself and it's not even like I don't fit beauty standards I long hair and im skinny but I still feel so ugly and fat even tho im 125 pounds but recent I have been eating less bc I feel to sad to eat maybe I will feel skinnier but my mom has been bothering me about this because she thinks im trying to starve my self which really pisses me off like let me try this let me try to feel beautiful. Usually, when I feel like this i play roblox bc it makes forget all of this. Ik most people say tell this to your parents or friends but I feel as if they wouldn't understand. Also im not supposed to be on my phone this summer bc my grades were bad but here I am I took my phone thought so I can play roblox and online shop to feel happy and im very scared my parents will find out. Btw im mixed black and white, and sometimes I wish I was just white so boys would like me more. Even if do loose the acne scars I don't think I will ever have boyfriend bc im very she and weird and not in a cute way im just weird so if I don't kill myself by 20 I think I might just be a crazy cat lady and live in the woods alone but I feel like I would kill myself then too. The reason im on a Pinterest post ranting about this is bc I feel as if my issue are not bad enough compared to others so there is no need to tell. Also I am a very very jealous person I am very jealous of those who have fun summers with all their friends, those who are pretty and those who talk to people without feeling scared. Last thing sometimes I wish I could just disappear like I was never born if it was like this my family wouldn't have to be sad if I did kill myself if I was never here I would never feel so sad but if I killed myself I wouldn't feel sad and jealous anymore. Ik people say things will get better and that im still young they said this when i was 12, 13,14 , and 15 nothing got better and nothing got worse i still feel the same. Or they say just go outside and i do it doesn't it helps for a little bit especially when i am alone and can listen to music. Btw might not respond i probably wont remember this website.

Sorry if this made no sense

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Leila Other August 02, 2025 at 1:47 am 1 0