I WAS NEVER MEANT FOR THIS

IM NOT EVEN A PERSON, IM BARELY A PERSON
i dont think i was ever meant to make human connections, i always fuck them up. I just cant have normal connections. I cant just be with people and its all fine. I cant tolerate pain, i only numb it until i forget how to feel it. I dont feel guilt until its debilitating. I dont know how to be happy so I seek old habits I know bring me easy pleasure like sexual activity. I stopped worrying “is what im doing is wrong?” when i did it more and more and saw there werent immediate consequences. but my long term.. my long term.. I feel so stupid. How could I let my life come to this? I sat through a symposium on decision-making but only cause I wanted to get a notepad from participating in their questions. I went to choir practice and sung songs praising God. And in the same day I went and fucked him in some empty unfinished classroom. Were always arguing and theres so much tension between us but what never changed was being able to be sexual towards eachother. kiss, kiss, give me another kiss, there and there..” I really just want to feel loved but I dont know what other way is there other than this” we communicate we understand eachother to some extent but the tendency is we dont actually understand eachother enough to reach a conclusion that makes us both happy.. so if we cant satisfy our soul and feel love that way we’ll do the closest thing to love that i can muster. And Im so fucking sorry that my body is the only thing I really know how to give. I know we wouldnt even work as just friends and thats why im so insecure when I see you with someone I know trusts you .. but whatever the fuck shes sensitive enough that she wouldn’t accept you after enough of your mistakes.. the only thing holding this together is the fact im so willing to forgive .. but not because i think everythings fine, but that i want it to be. Im scared of losing you. Id hate to lose you. Especially seeing you with someone else. It hurts to be in this hurtful state where we cycle through affection and cruelty but what I hate more is if you find someone else you’re able to be happy and light with without that cycle. Is it because Im too soft and tolerant that you think its okay to treat me like that? Were on the verge of breaking up . You only agreed to seek help not because Id leave you if you didnt. no.. Actually you have your reasons. you dont trust anyone to not demonise you, you also didnt want me writing about you online even anonymously because theyd demonise you.. you want your side to be heard too i get that , but how do you expect that when you dont share your side? ITS JUST SO.. I CANT DESCRIBE IT.. AND NOW IM DOWN POUNDING MY HEAD, AGAINST THE KITCHEN FLOOR.. APOLOGIZING FOR MY LIFE AND EVER ENTERING YOURS
i say “im sorry but this cant go on” and “i know youve got scars of your own” somehtjfjdsb I SWEAR.. IM SO FUCKING SORRY..

---

anonymous Relationships September 04, 2026 at 7:44 pm 0 0