I never grow up.

I never grew up. I do not know if I have Peter Pan Syndrome, but I do know I am an Emotional Eater, because I am so fat. Intermittent Explosive Disorder, again not confirmed, but I am very violent, easy to trigger. And I am really good at hiding my emotions.

I... committed a lot of wrong things. I am always feeling guilty. Depressed. Sad. Angry. When I laugh, they think I am crazy.

But in truth, I hide it. I act all superior, act like I know something, all to hide my insecurities, so I will never be targeted or seen as weak.

I hated being praised or expected, or say something that is easy. I can't make decisions on my own, I can't take advices for granted, and most of all... I hate failure.

I had a double life a few years back, all the unimaginable things I did, all to relieve myself in real life... it backfired. Because I was a dumbass idiot.

I was pissed at everyone, not because they're wrong, because they're right. They know what it's like to struggle. The problem with me... is that I rejected it.

I never grew up. I never matured. And I reject it all, thinking everything is easy. I tried to accept it, but I cannot. In reality... I never wanted this.

The more I grew up, the more I wanted to kill myself, and died young. Because I am afraid of responsibility. I am afraid of the things I do, because I never listened.

I wanted to be alone. I wanted to be secluded. I wanted to never make contact with anyone. Because I felt a peace.

But since I rely on others... I feel like I' in a prison on my own connection.

I am a failure. I am nothing.

I just wish... I could have died the day I went to school.

Because no matter how I do... I will always... fail.

And people will resent me. Because I always do it. I never wanted to make a connection with others and yet I rely on them. But I never trusted them.

And worst of all... I hurted her. And no matter what I do...

I will always fail.

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anonymous Other March 31, 2025 at 10:00 am 0 0